Can he love you but hate your natural hair? | Black Girl with Long Hair Black Girl with Long Hair | Natural Hair Styles and Natural Hair Care

07 December 2009 ~ 62 Comments

Can he love you but hate your natural hair?

Question of the Day

black love

This question of the day was inspired by a thread on one of my fav natural hair blogs, The Natural Haven. (Check it out HERE.)

I felt I needed a guy to weigh in on this, so I asked my 25 y. o. friend Norman his thoughts:

    “I think the answer is yes, he can love you but hate your natural hair. In a relationship, you don’t love everything about each other. I think though that if people really do love each other like in a marriage then the husband should be supportive and remember that he didn’t marry for hair.”

So what do you think? (And yes, it was me who defaced that black love poster…)

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62 Responses to “Can he love you but hate your natural hair?”

  1. aloeveranewyork 7 December 2009 at 5:01 am Permalink

    I’m Haitian woman married to a white man from Switzerland. My husband looooves my natural hair. We met two years after I went natural in 2005 and when I straighten my hair he doesn’t like it because, to him, it’s not me. He loves playing with my curls and just loves when I wash and leave my hair to air dry into a big hair of springy curls. I went out with two Haitian men before I met my husband and they had no problem with my natural hair either.

    Reply
  2. Miss KS 7 December 2009 at 8:47 am Permalink

    I think that he could love you and not like your hair. When I went natural everyone around me hated my hair except me. But I stayed with it and I was unrelenting in how I felt about changing my hair. The comments and the criticisms faded once he (and all my love ones) saw I was going to rock a natural.

    I think love has no bounds.

    Reply
  3. Trecia 7 December 2009 at 9:21 am Permalink

    Agreed with your male friend. I’m not a guy, but I’ve seen it… mine is the opposite… I’ve got the “african queen” comment with my afro. one time I pressed it out and hes looking at me all weird… Its based on what that guy likes on YOU.

    Reply
  4. Apartmentlife 7 December 2009 at 10:17 am Permalink

    lmao irl at the poster!

    Yes, he has to love, or at least like my hair. A lot of us grew up thinking straight is the ideal beauty standard, and that kinky, coily, curly, nappy hair is not. We’re re-learning (or learning) how to take care of our natural hair, and in the process falling in love with it. So…it’s a slap in the face if your significant other prefers your hair straight or tells you your natural hair isn’t ideal. It’s a part of you and he doesn’t even want or prefer it.

    I see what your friend was saying, but his comment: “In a relationship, you don’t love everything about each other”, I have to disagree as it seems he’s comparing natural hair to snoring or chewing with your mouth open lol. Those things can be fixed or at least it’s the norm for your S.O. not to like it lol That’s why when I see married naturals state that their DH loves their natural hair, I’m so happy for them because that’s another person in their corner.

    Reply
  5. Bajan Princess82 7 December 2009 at 10:35 am Permalink

    I’ve never dated a man that didn’t like my hair. I’ve always been natural and never had a problem with men liking/loving my hair. I guess they wouldn’t have been attracted to me if they hated my curls. My husband loves my natural hair and I can’t imagine him loving me and hating my hair…that just doesn’t make sense. When you genuinly love someone, something like hair is so trivial it shoudln’t even matter. To him you should be the most beautiful woman in the world, hair and ALL!

    Reply
  6. South Loop Social Light 7 December 2009 at 11:07 am Permalink

    I think we’re making this deeper than it really it. Of course there will be styles that your man may not care for and he’ll have his preference… but by no means does that mean that he won’t love you for the wonderful person you are. Hair isn’t a deal breaker. I prefer my boyfriend with a shaved head and since he’s in the military this works to my advantage, but when he gets out and grows his hair out I won’t go running for the hills.

    Reply
  7. Chidi 7 December 2009 at 11:12 am Permalink

    Well it’s possible. Definitely. But is it ideal? Is that the sort of love that any woman longs for? It was a black man who convinced me to go natural. A man should love everything about you especially something you likely put a lot of effort and thought into doing. He should also love your mind and your courage for doing what is not considered normalcy. There should be respect in that alone. A man who isn’t fully satisfied about his woman will likely have his eyes wandering anyway. I say skip the simple and obvious one and fond ones who appreciate your hair and your mind.

    Reply
  8. Yoshi3329 7 December 2009 at 12:41 pm Permalink

    Geez I hate that picture. It makes no sense. Just looking at it makes me sad/angry. How do you give the guy his hair in it’s natural state and not the woman. This picture pretty much says it all: Black men can wear their hair in their natural state but black women should only wear their hair in the eurocentric fashion or she isn’t beautiful.

    Disgusting.

    No, really.

    /rant.

    Reply
  9. nonfictions 7 December 2009 at 2:04 pm Permalink

    wow, that picture is so cheesy!

    i don’t think i could be with someone that HATED my natural hair. perhaps someone that has a preference for relaxed/straightened hair, but respects my decision to wear my hair natural is okay, but to HATE my natural hair? i don’t think that relationship would work out.

    Reply
  10. NappturallyHappy 7 December 2009 at 2:33 pm Permalink

    That pic is not work-friendly at all.

    Reply
  11. Moni 7 December 2009 at 2:53 pm Permalink

    I would also have serious issues with someone who hated my hair. If he hated it and continued to hate it (ie he never came around), then I would question his values (why does he prefer a faker, unhealthier version of me?) and what he really loves about me (ie the external or the whole package).

    Fortunately, my bf has loved my natural hair from the moment I BCed with next to no hair and he’s always been my biggest supporter.

    Reply
  12. Matlhodi 7 December 2009 at 3:38 pm Permalink

    My hubby loves my hair, but lately he’s been whining about how I’m forever working on my hair(twisting@night & untwisting in the morning)lol. He once suggested that I should go back to locks as they were low maintenance & less time-consuming. One thing I know he loves, is the attention I get when we’re together in public. I also love the proud look in his eyes when he notices how people look at my fro or twist-outs with admiration.

    @BGLH, I have to agree with the other girls on that in-your-face picture. :-)

    Reply
  13. Jc 7 December 2009 at 3:57 pm Permalink

    This is a topic that is so real. I had one woman on my blog say that the woman should relax her hair because losing the marriage because of hair is not worth it.

    I think the truth is it depends on the relationship you have. The comments on that post were very revealing

    Reply
  14. Meena 7 December 2009 at 5:30 pm Permalink

    If a person says they love me but not my hair, they will be deleted from my circle of close relationships. Every woman (and if there is one who disagrees with this I stand corrected) wants to be desired by her significant other. That includes her physical characteristics, and with all the effort placed into caring for our hair (regardless of it’s state; natural, chemically straightened, exagerrated with extensions, you name it), if someone does not appreciate and lovingly admire that, they are a waste of time. I truly believe it is better for a woman’s well-being if the person she is romantically involved with loves her hair in the state she chooses to wear it. Anything to the contrary, and I would be convinced the young woman has low self-esteem or is settling for less, because believe me when I say, there is someone out there who will love both you and your hair.

    Reply
  15. xxlolax 7 December 2009 at 6:14 pm Permalink

    when i finally wore my natural hair out,,,not even i black guy would even look at me,,i was like wooow..
    but i did notice that i got more attention from other races..especially white..HUH….
    so, good riddance to shallow guys..bcuz am gonna b natural 4life..
    God never makes mistakes

    Reply
  16. chrissystina 7 December 2009 at 9:14 pm Permalink

    TO: XXLOLAX

    Yup, girl. It seems Black men are into more straight, long down the back styles. I wore it both ways, and yeah, it is very true.

    But Im with a white boy he loves my hair. My last boyfriend who was black loved my natural hair too.

    I lthink you are on to something with “good riddance to shallow boys”…

    Reply
  17. ada 7 December 2009 at 9:29 pm Permalink

    @South Loop Social Light

    natural hair is not a hairstyle..its the way you hair is..just like the way my skin is black or my legs are long.. I cant change any of those attributes about myself well except I bleach my skin. or relax my hair or cut my limbs(ok thats a little extreme).and even if those changes are made it still does not nullify my default state….you get ma point?
    Its a different thing if my SO does not like the way my hair is styled..how can my SO not like my hair the way it comes out of my head. ummm exit..yes it is that deep..

    Reply
  18. Renise B 8 December 2009 at 6:19 am Permalink

    I refuse to date a guy who cannot appreciate my hair. I need to feel desired and wanted. I cldn’t deal with knowing my hair is unattractive to my SO b/c that means he’s unattracted to me.

    I was dating a guy when I decided to go natural. I told him my intentions to BC and he got upset, telling me not to do it b/c he didn’t like short hair (hair was already short). He didn’t want to date someone with hair as short as his. Clearly, I BC’d anyway. I sent a pict to his phone. He response “WTF!” He called me and berated me over the phone abt how I was hardheaded and how much he hated it. He stated I shld have thought abt his preferences and the fact that he is the one who has to look at me. I cursed him out and dismissed him. He made me feel ugly when only minutes before, I felt beautiful. There is no point in staying with a man who makes you feel less than gorgeous.

    Reply
  19. brwnbarbie24 8 December 2009 at 10:28 am Permalink

    I think it is possible for a man to love a woman but hate her natural hair. One of my friends is an example of this phenomenon. She is married and decided to go natural after the marriage. She transitioned for a while then did the big chop. Her husband absolutely hated it. I don’t think that means he doesn’t love her but that he’s not fond of her hair. He prefers straight hair, but I think his issue is more of a length hangup. I think he would be more accepting of long natural hair opposed to short, which I think is common for many black men. Personally, I am glad that I am already natural before marriage so I don’t have to worry about springing a major hair change on my husband and risking the non-acceptance of it. My hair is part of me and I don’t even entertain people who have a problem with my hair, let alone be in a relationship with them.

    Reply
  20. Aisha 8 December 2009 at 11:25 am Permalink

    I have mixed feelings about this. I would be uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who hated my natural hair. Hate is a strong word. However, people do have their preferences when it comes to hairstyles, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    But I think saying a man should love EVERYTHING about you is very unrealistic. How many people saying this are actually in a relationship? Do you love everything about your SO’s appearance? If the guy is overall in love with you and your appearance, so what if he’s not crazy about your hair?

    Reply
  21. Renise B 8 December 2009 at 6:23 pm Permalink

    I can agree that expecting someone to love EVERYTHING about you is unrealistic and I’m saying this as someone who is NOT in a relationship. Knowing that someone has a preference is one thing, but no matter what, a woman wants to feel that her man finds her attractive. Attraction is based on someone being pleasurable to the eye, as well as smells and what you hear. If he has such displeasure with seeing the texture of your hair, you won’t feel that he finds you as attractive as the normal relaxed/weave queen. Pple love to throw out the quoute “it’s just hair” but realistically, it can be a deal breaker when it comes to attraction. I know it was in my case.

    Reply
  22. iDleWilD 8 December 2009 at 8:47 pm Permalink

    Well when I went natural in 2005 I cut all my hair off, and rocked a brush cut for the summer months and then a little afro. Well when my boyfriend say my brush cut it looked as if he wanted to throw up on me. I could cut the tension w/ a knife it was so thick, I think it was more of my head lookin like his head instead of having something hanging. When I finally decided to loc it up the whole growing out stage was hard to, but overall it took a lot of gettin used to at first. I would say that when I cut my hair off it was about tha booty but now that I have locs down my back I think my hair isn’t an underlining issue in the way of our love.

    Reply
  23. K 9 December 2009 at 7:34 pm Permalink

    If you love me, you love my hair. My hair is as much a part of who I am as the color of my skin or the sound of my voice or the color of my eyes. I wouldn’t accept a man that couldn’t love those things about me, so why would I love one who can love all of that and not my hair? Sorry, that does not compute.

    Reply
  24. nappyheadedblackgirl 11 December 2009 at 1:24 am Permalink

    yes, i do believe he can love you but hate the hair. i don’t understand the “well if he loved me he would love everything about me” statement. i think there are things we’d all like to change about our mates. it doesn’t mean we love them any less.

    Reply
  25. Mrs. Jackson 19 December 2009 at 11:04 pm Permalink

    My husband loves me but dislikes the fact that I have gone natural (8 months). In fact I have not done the big chop because I know he would be very angery and unhappy with that type of hair do on me. Does that bother me? Yes. Does it hurt my self esteem? Yes, he’s my husband. But will I change my mind about going nautral? NO!
    My sister-in-law said to me the other day “you need to just throw a relaxer in you head and call it a day”. I did not respond to her comment nor do I respond to anyone else’s comments anymore. Why? Because I love and appreciate MY hair (type 4a/b) and will not let other’s standard of beauty define mine.

    Reply
  26. Amy 6 January 2010 at 1:12 pm Permalink

    I’ve just recently transitioned to my natural year after years spent in weaves and braids.

    My boyfriend who is english loves it !! He never really got why i wore weaves or straightened my hair as he thinks the natural me is the most beautiful.

    Reply
  27. Nicole 6 January 2010 at 7:55 pm Permalink

    Mrs. Jackson I can relate too well with what your saying concerning your husband not liking the natural hair, because my husband is the same way. I am currently transitioning and man do I love the natural hair. My husband hates it. I am wearing braid extensions right now and he is cool with that. other than that I have to wear a wig. Everyone else loves it when I wear the braid outs and twist outs, but he hates it. I don’t know what I am going to do, but I will not go back to the relaxer!

    Reply
  28. Mrs. Jackson 7 January 2010 at 12:25 pm Permalink

    Nicole,
    I would suggest your husband view natural hair blog sites like this one, curlynikki and you tube so that he is able to see and better understand your reasons and goals for going natural.Also present to him the chemiclas that are in relaxers to explain why they are not healthy. This is what I have done with my husband since my last post. Now he understands my hair goals he is more accepting, encouraging and give me complaments. When he viewed my subscription to Rusticbeauty (on youtube) and saw her hair (length, styles and health) he was like wow. He understnds my reasons. Try searching natural styles with him on you tube. Find styles that both of you agree on. I too had extensions for a month or so but since I wash my hair every 2-3 days it didn’t last long.
    Bueno Suerte (good luck)
    Mrs.Jackson

    Reply
  29. RAINA 12 January 2010 at 9:50 pm Permalink

    My fiance who is italian-american loves me either way,but never understood why I never wore my natural hair,and frankly neither did I. In september 2009 I did the big chop…..My fiance loves my T.W.A.Somehow I think it was easier for me to go natural because I knew that I had his support.BY HIM SUPPORTING ME ODDLY ENOUGH HELP ME TO TRULY LOVE MYSELF.

    Reply
  30. Nicole 14 January 2010 at 8:52 pm Permalink

    Mrs Jackson I have done all of the above and he “gets it” but he still doesn’t like it. I think only time will make it better. We’ll see!

    Reply
  31. Kimberley 3 February 2010 at 7:26 pm Permalink

    I have locks and so does my husband, but I don’t like his hair. I think it is way too long and messy. I wish he would cut some, or all of it!

    Reply
  32. Lynette 3 February 2010 at 8:58 pm Permalink

    Ladies…how bout we do this…since your man is so much into relaxed hair…tell him to relax his own hair…and you will follow suit…LOL!!…don’t worry ladies…it will never happen!

    Reply
  33. jewel 4 March 2010 at 11:34 pm Permalink

    IA that natural hair is not a hairstyle… I mean Ive had time when my man didn’t like the style I was wearing but its a fundmental diffrence. And as for the (poster) she is wearing BRAIDS not a relaxer in the above poster.

    Reply
  34. ansley 26 April 2010 at 2:16 pm Permalink

    yes it can happen. im living proof unfortunately. lol

    Reply
  35. maji 1 May 2010 at 3:49 pm Permalink

    Building off of this particular question of the day, I ask: Do black women who wear their hair naturally prefer black men who also wear their hair naturally?

    By the way, I think natural hair is beautiful and I commend all that have the courage to let their hair take its natural course.
    best,
    (please note: Despite semantics, I am cognizant that black women who fashion their hair in its natural state are not a homogenized group, just like their male counterparts.)

    Reply
  36. j 26 May 2010 at 12:44 am Permalink

    makes no sense. that IS you in your pure form. if he rejects that…. he’s rejecting you.
    i am so glad that my husband loves and prefers me in my natural form. i cant say that alternative isnt love but it aint right.

    Reply
  37. Brandi 27 May 2010 at 1:00 am Permalink

    I think he can dislike my hair & still love me…my fiancee just loves my hair period…in all of its states…slightly curly, relaxed…early morning messy..lol. He just loves it.

    Reply
  38. Indigowaters 30 May 2010 at 4:37 pm Permalink

    This is why I’m glad I’m not in a relationship yet. I plan on doing the big chop tomorrow (nervous!) and I don’t want someone who doesn’t want all of me.

    Reply
  39. tamar 24 June 2010 at 1:28 am Permalink

    um i’m haitian and my man is black american and he love my natural hair he has even encouraged me to get locs, he says he likes straight hair styles but he also love big crazy natural hair…the first time he saw my hair all puff without me flat ironing it or putting it up he ran his fingers through my hair hugged me then kissed me

    Reply
  40. Bethany 24 June 2010 at 10:54 pm Permalink

    I don’t think a guy could love me if he didn’t love my natural hair; it is such a part of who I am. However, my ex (but then current) boyfriend was going through old pictures of me and he came across some of my twa when I first cut my hair. He told me that he loved my hair (which I know for a fact that he did because he couldn’t keep his hands out of it) but that he didn’t like it that short. He then went on to say that he’d be sad if I relaxed it again. For him it was about length. My hair is still short (pulled straight it barely reaches my chin) but I get a TON more compliments on my hair than I did when I rocked the twa.

    Reply
  41. TrinityInMe 21 October 2010 at 3:31 pm Permalink

    THIS IS THE T.R.U.T.H….I am married to an extremely Southern influenced black man. He was born and raised in Barbour County, Alabama, where “if ur skin ain’t light…u ain’t right” and “if ur hair ain’t straight…ya can’t get a date.” So, when I told him that I was going natural he flipped, he said “You mean nappy?” and I confirmed. Initially it was an argument, but then I remembered, hey, I love this man, till death do us part and I know he loves me, he’s just ignorant to natural hair. So we did some research (online of course) and after seeing how beautiful God made natural african rooted hair, we compromised. I wouldn’t do the big chop, but transition, and I would keep my hair presentable. Now he loves it! Be patient with your boo. Ignorance isn’t acceptable, but it is changeable!

    Reply
  42. Chocolatebuddafly 1 November 2010 at 10:43 am Permalink

    Wow, hate is such a strong word….but I do believe everyone is entitled to their opinion. With that being said, I could not date a man who did not accept ME and that includes my hair. He doesn’t have to “love” it but he couldn’t “hate” it either.

    My husband met me with short permed hair(the Hale Berry cut), and I cut it even shorter right before our wedding and went natural, grew it all back, permed it, dyed it, and now back NATURAL for life…BUT he knew and still knows, I do me! The great part is, he loves all of me. He always says, “You’ve got mad style baby”. Keepin’ him :o)

    So, it helps to have a significant other who loves you for who you are.

    Reply
  43. Nene 4 November 2010 at 7:08 pm Permalink

    Well I have found that since I have gone natural, I get NO attention from men. I used to get lots of attention when I permed it. It’s really kind of weird. Occasionally I get some guy who is really, really not my type and I know that they are attracted to my hair.

    Reply
  44. Shadeah 19 November 2010 at 12:36 pm Permalink

    When I met my husband, my hair was straight and long. He would always touch my hair. I’ve transitioned three times since 2006 to natural hair. In April 2010, I did the big chop to a mini fro. He did not like that nor did he like my natural do. But lately I’ve found him touching my hair again :-) I think its a transition for him as well.

    Reply
  45. Intelligentblackbeautiful 23 November 2010 at 11:33 am Permalink

    I did the big chop Aug 30th! My boyfriend and I had a mini argument prior to the BC about my decision, eventually we compromised and I did the big chop with the understanding that if he didn’t like it, I’d wear it in braids until it’s grown out more (but nothing can make me return to the creamy crack). He doesn’t like the length (rocking a twa) but he loves its texture and plays with my hair more now than when I had it relaxed. If he didn’t like the texture of my hair, I know the relationship wouldn’t work. God made my hair the way it is and any man that requires me to chemically alter myself in order to be considered beautiful isn’t worth my time or my affection. When you really love yourself, you’ll know that you could never settle for a man (or woman) who doesn’t love you as much as you do.

    I agree with the ones prior to me who say that natural hair is not a style, whether I decide to rock a twa, a brush cut, do twist/braid outs, or wear bantu knots with my natural hair is a style, and it’s okay if your SO doesn’t like a particular style (not all styles are made for all people), but he/she should never imply or require that you need to change the texture of it (how dare he/she imply that the way God made you is incorrect?!?!)

    So my answer to this question is no, he can not love you but hate your natural hair…and if you accept this situation, you may need to look at how much you really love yourself.

    Reply
  46. Essence 24 November 2010 at 10:25 am Permalink

    I’m glad someone else said what I was going to say: natural hair is not a hair style, its the way your hair grows out of your scalp. When people of other races wear there hair natural its not a style so why is it a style with black women? Anyway,this is a tough one, but I think if he doesn’t love my hair he would have to at least like it some. No, hair is not love or the source of a relationship. But it is part of what he would what my husband sees that attracts him to me physically. It would bother me if my husband never commented on how he liked my hair or if it looked nice or anything because he didn’t like it. So for me, he would have to like.

    And as for this picture, i agree with everyone else, it really sends the message that men can do whatever they want with their hair but with women its such a big deal. he has natural hair and the woman has what looks like straight hair, if its locs or braids i can’t tell

    Reply
  47. Kizzy 13 January 2011 at 9:28 am Permalink

    I recently went natural after years of relaxers and did so partly because my husband requested it. He loves my hair. I know many women who are natural and they all are married and their hubbies seem to love it.
    [img]http://bglhonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Photo on 2011-01-05 at 14.58.jpg[/img]

    Reply
  48. Kinky Chic 18 January 2011 at 11:04 am Permalink

    The headline of this post reminds me of a quote from Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon that goes like this: (and the context is that one of the female characters, Hagar–a black woman–is devastated by the fact her cousin has seen dating a white woman. This is what her mother says to console her)

    “How can he love you and not love your hair? It’s the same hair that grows out of his own armpits. The same hair that crawls out his crotch up on his stomach. All over his chest. The very same. It grows out of his nose, over his lips, and if he ever lost his razor it would grow all over his face. It’s all over his head, Hagar. It’s his hair too. He got to love it…how can he love himself and hate your hair?”

    Reply
  49. Deborah 26 January 2011 at 1:18 pm Permalink

    I have been natural for 14 years. Of that, I spent 7 years with a very short fade. Most of my ex boyfriends have no clue what I looked like with a relaxer and they were all fine with my natural look. I wore it confidently and that was a main part of our attraction. I have grown my hair to neck length hair and currently wear it in twists, afros, blow outs or pressed. I’m still adjusting to styling, moisturizing and maintaining it. My current boyfriend has been very vocal about his desire to see me change my hairstyles often, with a preference on professionally done dos, or more predictable styles. Having experienced both ends of the spectrum in terms of boyfriends, I really attribute the comments of the new boyfriend to the additional effort required on my part in styling. In no way am I saying that it’s my fault that he doesn’t like my hair and in all honesty, I could care less whether he likes it or not, what I’m saying is that I still have a lot to learn on managing my hair, ie: time spent, products used, and skill. He sees my frustration and goes to what he thinks is easier. Hair is not a deal breaker in a relationship but lack of support might be.

    Reply
  50. Osunyoyin 19 February 2011 at 10:19 am Permalink

    no. but he CAN kiss my entire ass.

    Reply
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