Guest blogger post #1: Do natural women fit best with non-black men?

07 February 2010 ~ 179 Comments

Guest blogger post #1: Do natural women fit best with non-black men?

February 7 to 13 is BGLH’s second annual guest blogger week. I will be turning the mic over to BGLH readers to say what’s on their mind. Simon is our first guest blogger and the first dude to ever post on BGLH.

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Before I begin I must admit that growing up, I never found natural hair to be sexy or even appealing. Yes! I admit the self-hate. Like many other people of color, I had been brainwashed into believing that Western features were ideal yada yada yada you know the rest of the story. Suffice to say, my perceptions have clearly changed. I have nothing but the utmost respect for natural women not only because they are beautiful but because they are brave. In a society that idolizes only one definition of beauty, picking up that clipper to do the “big chop” must be the scariest thing in the world. Yet natural women do it and they overcome it and for that I tip off my hat to them. I find natural women to be incredibly sexy and unique.

I go to college in the Midwest and there aren’t exactly a lot of natural women in the Midwest. Everything is very generic and people go with what the crowd is wearing or doing. During winter break two years ago some friends and I went to New York City. On Christmas Eve, my friends and I were at this huge international party in Brooklyn. Most everyone at the party was white or Latino. All of a sudden I noticed a very beautiful, locked black girl sitting at a corner. She oozed so much confidence and there was a certain sophistication in the way she spoke. I approached her politely and said “hi”. We were the only two black people in the room. She replied unenthusiastically. Every time I tried to start a discussion with her, she would ignore me and walk away. Because of her abrasive attitude, I stopped trying to talk to her. When white guys approached her and introduced themselves, on the other hand, she was very polite and she would start conversations with them. I believe she left the party with one of the guys at some point. And unfortunately I have had several unfortunate experiences with natural women like this one.

A few months ago I decided that I was going to grow an afro. I know absolutely nothing about natural hair and hair products. I asked my sister for some tips (we live in different countries) and she told me to use Google and YouTube. I started my natural hair research online and I started to notice a trend. A lot of the female natural hair bloggers had white husbands and/or boyfriends. This got me thinking; do natural women prefer white men? Is that why I have been having bad experiences with natural women?

Months went by and my small afro started to grow. Something very strange started to happen. All my white friends became absolutely obsessed with my hair. They would grab it, squeeze it and try to experiment with it. Every time they saw it, they would shower me with compliments. They even voted my hair the “best hair” among everyone in our friend circle. To them natural hair is “curly hair”. They don’t make distinctions like “kinky” or this or that or whatever. My black friends, on the other hand, were appalled by the afro. They would call it “nappy” and say I should be ashamed to come to school with hair like that. I remember my fellow African/very good friend saying that “You look like the real African bushman. Go and cut that hair”.

This got me thinking; if natural women prefer white men is it because white men are more receptive to natural hair? Is it something else? Let me hear your honest opinions.

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Simon is 22 years old and a first year graduate student. You can read more from Simon at his blog http://a-boy-from-another-planet.blogspot.com/

179 Responses to “Guest blogger post #1: Do natural women fit best with non-black men?”

guayaba 21 December 2010 at 8:19 am Permalink

Though Western media is dominated by Eurocentric everything, I’d like to believe that regular people are open to natural black hair, as it’s something of an anomaly. However, I don’t believe it’s something they genuinely envy, but rather, find “cool”. Moreover, I think it’s easier for white people to see beauty in natural hair that is less kinky and more curly because it is not too “strange” or too “black”. The up-rise of the urban hipster scene has also made natural hair more accessible to whites and on a smaller level, other non-black groups.

As a multiracial person, who is often labeled black, I was often afraid of the way Asian people would treat me because of the stereotypes that Asians hate black people, when embarking on my Asian study abroad experience. To my surprise, most people were kind, which could be because I’m not “too black” for them with curly brown/red hair, a skin tone that got SEVERAL shades darker, yet resembles SE Asian skin, even though I have full lips and a button nose. Half of the people thought I was either Southeast Asian (from Papua) or half Asian. Nevertheless, I have received daily comments (“oh so dark/black, but so beautiful”, “oh so big, hair short, but so beautiful”, “how can your girlfriend be so beautiful? She doesn’t have white skin”) that have also been a clear reminder that even though they see my ethnic mixture, or what they perceive as my Asian side, the dark vs. light, kinky vs. straight dichotomy is a cold reminder of how ugly black is in Asia.

Surprisingly, even though Asia is quite disturbingly Eurocentic as there are whitening agents in EVERYTHING including deodorant and sun block, MANY Asian women have their hair dyed a light brown/blonde, color contacts that lighten and enlarge the eyes, rhinoplasties, and wear hats, gloves, long pants/sleeves, and sometimes face masks to keep their skin white, I’ve never received so many comments on my beauty before. It’s funny because I am fully aware that I am much closer to their definition of “ugliness (blackness)” than beauty. Nevertheless, you see white men flocking here in the thousands looking for the young, beautiful, and DARK DARK DARK SE Asian women. And despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of them are prostitutes, they are some of the most beautiful people in the world, and with their full lips and broad, flat noses, they look BLACK!

Even though non-blacks may not want the kinkiest of curls, because it’s been portrayed as ugly, wild, and simply, too “black”, I think they can be more open to natural haair because it is something they truly do not understand, and possibly something in which they are beginning to recognize beauty. When black women go natural and take care of their hair, it looks beautiful, and eventually more people will recognize it.

I’ve never felt more beautiful with my full head of nappy curls. My Cambodian boyfriend digs it too. I had to laugh when we saw this little white kid on the TV, and he pointed and said, “oh god, his hair is so ugly, I hope my baby has hair like you.”

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- A.G. 19 January 2011 at 10:30 am Permalink
  
  I find non black men more acceptable of it. I went on a date with an a Iraqi/Palestinan and all he did was compliment my hair and wanted to play in it.When I wear my afro out, white men approach me and compliment my hair. The women who do go natural are obviously open minded to new experiences and do not mind dating outside their race because to them we are all apart of the same race, THE HUMAN RACE.
  I’ve been told by african american men to put MY HAIR back in braid extensions. All except for my father who is from Jamaica. He always loved my big natural hair.
  
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timehealsaheart 24 January 2011 at 12:18 pm Permalink

No, natural black women don’t “FIT BEST” with non black men, we fit best with men who accept and in awe with our beauty and boldness to be natural in a world where EVERY RACE OF WOMAN are being fake. Real men appreciate real beauty, geniune beauty. That being said, yes it is ok to wear makeuo, extentions, etc to try something new but it becomes fake when you try to pass it off as the imagae of yourself you want other people to see. I dated a black man and black men that couldn’t keep their hands or eyes off of me when I went natural and loc’ed my hair. When I had relaxed hair my last boyfriend kept telling me I wasn’t “black enough”. He thought of me my sexiest when I was rocking my own hair, natural or pressed. However, when I was trying to find my self, still learning to love my self he tore me down ALOT, my self esteem reverted. He wasn’t supportive of me at all. When I met my husband (who is white)and my best friend since 2004 I still had locs and he loved it. After we got married I cut off my loc’s because (to me) they were filled with the negative energy from my last relationship so I wanted to start anew. I started to wear weaves and wigs and he would say my hair looked nice but when I did the big chop (again because I went back to the relaxer, MISTAKE) he loved it, told me no more weaves or wigs and wondered why I hid my very tight curls. But the importnant thing is not that he is white, but that he supports me, he loves me and his actions show that he absolutely adores me. I didn’t pick him because he was white. I actually didnt want to be with him because I didnt want to ruin the friendship. But all being said, it does not matter the color of the man (or partner) it matters how they support you and love you, and love you even more when you portray the beauty god gave you. Like Jill Scott says, make sure your man loves you from “your hair folicles right down to your toenails”. Be open to love, it doesnt just exist in shades of brown and black.

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- It's all good 25 April 2011 at 2:58 am Permalink
  
  THANK YOU. What at great response! I love how you made it about men needed to be accepting and loving, NOT a certain colour. I really appreciate your responding to this post with your experiences.
  
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Mims 27 February 2011 at 7:49 am Permalink

I don’t think natural women fit best with white men or non-black men. I think it is because non-black people are usually more accepting of natural hair as it is just hair to them. Our community however has a complex relationship with our natural texture.
I go to school in an area that is predominantly white, I would find the few black guys coming up to me and talking to me just because I was black and I did not like that. Maybe it was wrong of me but I always felt that personality was more important than skin tone. Just cause I was black did not mean we would automatically get along. I will say I was always polite but I certainly was not overly friendly.
Maybe she thought the same, but it definitely wasn’t fair of hair to be rude to you.

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Vicky 2 March 2011 at 2:53 pm Permalink

Just like men can be brainwashed by the European beauty standard, women can be as well. It could just be that she only finds white men attractive. Maybe she is color struck.

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Latesha 6 April 2011 at 9:21 pm Permalink

I am a 41 year old woman, and I have struggled for many years with my self image due to the fact that as a girl, growing up in Brooklyn in the late 70′s and early 80′s, having dark skin and textured hair was not acceptable, at least in my neighborhood. As I got older, I learned to love myself and not be held captive to the European standard of beauty. I did the “natural thing”. I cut my hair down to the roots, and started from scratch. I did the fade, the cesar, the fro, you name it. Every now and then I would get tired of the natural thing, and relax my hair, but got tired of the tingling scalp and breakage and decided to stay natural. The sad thing is, I too have experienced that European men were more receptive to my natural hair than my African American brothers. The brothers called me bald-headed, black, ugly, etc. However, the Caucasian and Latin men called me beautiful or a black queen. I don’t think that it’s just by chance. Some of my caucasian friends would touch me and my children’s hair and ask “how did you get your hair so curly”, and admire the conrowed hair styles that I put in my children’s hair. They would also comment on how black women in their opinion, is the only race of women that could cut their hair down to the root, and still look beautiful, and admire the confidence of us women who do wear our hair in it’s natural state. So although we are in a country where European standards of beauty are seemingly more acceptable, I have experienced other cultures seem to be more accepting of our beauty than people with our culture.
[img]http://bglhonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Me Au-Natural.jpg[/img]

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df 22 April 2011 at 3:54 pm Permalink

I’m sorry but this post really makes me sad for the black community as a whole…really sad…

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- It's all good 25 April 2011 at 2:59 am Permalink
  
  Speak your mind! Tell us why…
  
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  - J 20 September 2011 at 9:28 am Permalink
    
    I would like to know why you feel so, “Sad for the community as a whole,” as well. That is a pretty broad statement especially when this post and the comments represent such an insignificant number of people from the ‘black community,’ and is merely focusing on one very specific topic.
    
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Candy 15 June 2011 at 1:38 pm Permalink

Actually, yes, I’ve noticed that non-black men (and women!) tend to be more admiring and accepting of natural hair than their black counterparts. Maybe because they don’t have all of the inbred hangups with natural black texture or because it’s such a novelty or because they have no idea of the rituals, agony, and battles to “tame” natural hair. Not sure, but it’s definitely nice to have so many constantly noticing and complimenting it. As a young woman with a badass fro (if I do say so myself, lol), I’ve also noticed that the majority of positive feedback comes from older black men (60+). Other than my husband and son, of course, lol. They naturally think I’ve got the best hair ever created ;)

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CurlyCoilYGirl 17 July 2011 at 5:38 pm Permalink

Well the guys i fell that was most admired about my natural hair has shown out the be arabs(mostly north africans). But also some black guys and mixed guys and latinos to. SO when i think about it’s actually very mixed and white likes it to. Offcourse it’s not like everybody loves my hair and that, lol. :) But it’s very mixed with who likes it or not. But espectular arabs.

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Chelsea 19 July 2011 at 9:14 pm Permalink

I actually understand your experience and your question with this! I’m a 21 year old who, up until a year sported lace front wigs, weaves, perms – the whole nine yards. I WAS ALREADY DATING my white boyfriend when HE was the one who encouraged me to go natural. While looking through my camera he caught a glimpse of a length check I did when I’d taken my weave out and, saw me with my big curly afro. Not being black, he wasn’t brainwashed by most of black media defining pin straight, weaved hair as “beautiful” for black women. He thought my hair was gorgeous in the picture! He thought I was most beautiful in my natural, God-given state. For Valentine’s Day that year he asked that I wear my hair natural for our dinner date…so I did. He loves touching it and rubbing my scalp (not something he could do with my weave). He now walks up to random natural girls and tells them how his girlfriend is natural and how beautiful their hair is!!

Now that I wear my hair natural, it’s mainly non-black men that hit on me (Caucasian and Latino mainly). Recently when I went to a mainly black club in New York the majority of the men to hit on me were still the few non-black guys in the place. One black guy I talked to at the bar made a joke out of my hair by asking “So what kind of hairdo is that supposed to be?” Clearly not one for you buddy!

As the case with my boyfriend I think non-black men can appreciate natural hair in a different way because of the things we as African Americans have seen in the media. Thats all. Thats not to say that a black man cannot appreciate natural hair. An open minded and worldly black man absolutely will!

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Tope 21 October 2011 at 5:14 am Permalink

wow.well i have been married for 8 years now and my hubby is white but i have been natural for 1 year so i dont know

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Kaye 22 October 2011 at 7:12 am Permalink

I agree with many of the comments before.

I see nothing wrong at all with a black woman dating outside her race, many choose to because that’s just there preference, they can’t help how attracted they feel towards someone not of their race (NOT always because they are “color struck” or whatever nonsense) and many choose to go out from bad previous experiences with those of the same race along with how they are treated so much better in some cases.

I don’t fully understand why some black men are so towards they own women but yet the ones that “suppose to not like us” love us more for who we are than them. Many outside of black opt for the women if not with natural hair, women with very dark skin as well…what in the black community in some countries don’t view as “beautiful” they choose to be their wives and start a family with. The ones that when they shave they hair off and cut it short would still love them and not get upset and “overreact”.

In your case, she knew what she her preference was and didn’t seem it fit to waste your time…knowing how some men are, to stand up for a period of time chatting with them they would start to think you’re interested in them or something..so if seemingly nice, not my type why would I waste my time and yours as well. Weird men come up to me..just because they black i’m suppose to continue a conversation with them..NO, they won’t see themselves as weird..me as a woman do. Black men like to feel free choosing who they want..so it is with a woman. Atleast you weren’t there by yourself and had your friends.

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Keisha 6 November 2011 at 7:24 pm Permalink

I think it’s funny reading this article because I always joke with my girlfriends, who have relaxers and weaves that I am clearly not “Black” enough for Black guys. Whenever we go out places and the group is predominantly Black I may get a compliment here and there, but all the non-Black dudes will make it a point to talk to me. When our venue is a multi-racial setting I am the center of attention, while my friends get only the few Black guys that may come through. It’s such an interesting phenomenon and I think it’s sad. The only time I will have Black guys excited to talk to me is when I press my hair out and wear it straight, it’s like they all notice me at that point, but I get the most compliments from other Black women, when my hair is curly. It’s frustrating that in 2011 Black men and Black women have to be caught up in superficial beauty traits that aren’t even unique to us. It would be wonderful if we can appreciate each other and see beauty beyond hair and skin color because those things are our God given attributes.

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Are You Making The #1 Mistake That Will Prevent A Woman From Ever Even Wanting To Get To Know You? 7 November 2011 at 5:42 am Permalink

I appreciate, result in I found exactly what I was having a look for. You’ve ended my 4 day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye

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Weareallhuman 11 November 2011 at 11:14 am Permalink

I think it’s funny that a few ladies here have said that they don’t like it when black men approach them in predominantly white settings just because they are black. One poster said that personality should be more important, but my question is #1, if you are meeting someone for the first time–black or white– there’s a pretty good chance that they’re not approaching you b/c they admire your personality. How could they when they don’t even know you? Question #2, how do you know that the black men are approaching you only because you are black, and not b/c they simply find you attractive? And #3 How do you know that white men aren’t approaching you only because you are black, exotic, etc.? Is there a double standard here?

To answer the OP’s questions, my impression is that this woman was just not interested in him, or in black men/people at all. No way to tell which is which, and everyone is entitled to his or her preferences. But ignoring you and/or walking away when you try to speak (*if* you were polite and not pushy) is just plain rude, so maybe that person isn’t someone you’d want in your life anyway. I do think that white/non-black men are often more accepting of natural hair and the range of features that black women are blessed with.

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VEE from France 19 November 2011 at 4:51 pm Permalink

it is weird to say it but hell yeaaaah, white men are the only guys out there liking my natural hair, all the black men around me are still trying to convince me not to cut it by the end of next month!!!
But i am still going to have that big chop for the new year :)
When i was younger i remember black men were talking about relaxers in a very negative way but it was the 90′s they were prouder (not to say they no longer are but…)

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Roxy 30 November 2011 at 7:27 pm Permalink

I am a Black American female. I am quite dark, my hair is quite kinky, and I was natural for about 8 years. I found that when I was natural, the vast majority of the men who approached me were not Black. In fact, I started dating non-black men when I was natural. They were mostly men from other countries, not necessarily white guys from the U.S.

I don’t know that the attraction can be entirely explained by the “exotic factor” although I did face some people who were curious. In my situation, I think my natural hair suited me quite well, like a dress that hugs all your curves the right way. More generally, I think that some of those who decide to go natural for one reason or another (in my case, I simply realized one day that I forgot what my natural hair looked like and decided to remind myself; and I ended up liking it) carry a certain attitude as well. When one makes a decision to do something that is not in line with the status quo, one must have a certain openess of mind and a certain confidence to carry on with that decision. This, as well, I think comes across.

At this point I have relaxed hair, and I’d say that I get approached by men and non-black men alike. Not too long ago I dated a guy of South Asian and Latino heritage who suggested that I might look really good (perhaps better than I do now?) with natural hair. Go figure.

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Raven 3 December 2011 at 9:31 am Permalink

I, myself, admit to not being ordinarily attracted to white guys. Not to say I wouldn’t give a white dude a chance; i just am normally not attracted to them. You are definitely right about one thing: I also find that white people are more accepting of black hair and are often fascinated by it because they may have never seen it before. I’ve yet to get hit on by anyone sense I went natural so my two cents probably don’t matter (lol) but I guess a lot of women don’t want to tolerate a man who’s going to try and convince them to change their hair all the time. I’ll admit, I’d be very uncomfortable if a guy I was dating was less attracted to me because of my natural hair. I would like to think it’s less about race and more about finding someone who is willing to accept your natural hair and find it pretty.

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Chanda 12 January 2012 at 6:24 pm Permalink

Maybe the girl at the party had a number of bad experiences with black men. Not just because of her hair, but life in general.

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