181 Responses to “Guest blogger post #1: Do natural women fit best with non-black men?”

1. 

   Bajan Princess 82 7 February 2010 at 5:35 pm Permalink

   I feel like a broken record b/c I always say this in response to these types of post, but here I go. I’ve been natural all my life and never had a problem dating black men. The black men I’ve dated, and the one I married, love curly hair and usually always want to touch it, pull on it, play with it, etc… I hate when I see this argument about naturals only dating non-blacks, or black men not being attracted to women with natural hair. I am living proof that its not true and I’m really tired of these assumptions!

   Reply
2. 

   ladane 7 February 2010 at 5:52 pm Permalink

   It’s nice to get a male perspective on here. I have noticed a lot of natural sisters with white men, but I never thought it was about hair, just sisters expanding their horizons. Most of my circle of black female friends are naturals, I think I only have one or two relaxed friends…and I am one of the only ones in a relationship with a black man. But I see black love all around (that includes natural sisters).

   It’s funny because the reverse happened to me. I have always been open in dating, having dated black and white men in equal numbers (with the occasional asian guy thrown in there). When I was relaxed white men were always flirting with me. After I went natural it was black men who were flirting with me even more. I often get compliments from black men on my locks and hair in general (I was a loose nappy for awhile, too). Someone said earlier that it also could be social circles and geography…I live in Brooklyn and run in circles where natural hair has always been more appreciated and the “norm” rather than relaxed hair.

   Reply
3. 

   tiredofthebs 7 February 2010 at 6:53 pm Permalink

   I always find it ironic that so many naturals say how much non-Blacks like our hair when many non-Blacks were the ones who made Blacks hate everthing about themselves, from complexion, nose, to our hair in the first place.

   Reply
4. 

   misha 7 February 2010 at 7:41 pm Permalink

   My hair journey is about being bold, not beautiful. Beauty in this case is determined by others, their comfort zones and standards. Boldness is about being true to yourself. It’s about knowing what you want and who you are and being simply unable to do anything else. I want to be with the man who is attracted to that — this hair and the lifestyle, personality, vision it testifies to. If he’s white, that’s not a deal breaker.

   Reply
5. 

   Nic 7 February 2010 at 7:55 pm Permalink

   Does anyone else not feel the “ha-ha in your face” that I feel right now in discovering this online community with many (NOT all by any means) natural women dating outside of the race??

   Has everyone forgotten that our “brothers” are often the ones going after our white friends with blonde hair and blue eyes, or our redbone light skinned friends??

   I think that if black men are beginning to feel “shifted” then LET THEM. We’ve been neglected for years. Look at all the Black celebs who go for the white women and the pretty babies (not saying all black cebs have white wives, and there are a couple of white cebs that have black wives). But I’m sorry, I think it is so empowering that we are taking the power back and dating outside the race. Why should we stick by black men when they aren’t willing to stand by us??

   Why are we scrambling to uphold this “black love” notion when our own “role models” (false ones, at that) only cast the light skinned/white girls in the videos?

   Simon, this is no slant to you, Im sure you’re a wonderful black man, and educated too.. go on with your bad self!

   But to be quite honest. Ha ha Black men. Ha ha. Get over it and continue dating who ever you want… And instead of being left behind black women, you date whoever you want too!

   Reply
6. 

   Lala 7 February 2010 at 8:00 pm Permalink

   @bajan

   Why do you assume that just because you are “proof” that this situation doesn’t exist? I don’t think anyone is negating the fact that there are black men who love black naturals. I think people are talking from THEIR own experience and sometimes that experience points to YES, there are black men who have a problem with woman being natural. You read plenty of stories about women transistioning/doing the BC and not being accepted by who? Their boyfriends/husbands/family members. This is not some false reality.
   I think black women are becoming more open-minded about dating outside of their race; thus the supposed increase in IR relationships Ideally, yes, I would like to marry a black man and have beautiful brown babies, but I will be with whoever excepts me for who I am. That doesn’t make me a sell-out.

   Reply
7. 

   Asia 7 February 2010 at 8:09 pm Permalink

   I can understand why you would ask a question like this. Though your experience is so common to the natural hair experience, I don’t think you can make a generalization that black women are only interested in white guys. My natural hair has freed me from my own insecurities with hair and I’ve received the most compliments from brothas and not so many from caucasians or white people. I think sometimes it has to do with the area that you’re in. Groups don’t interact the same all over the world and that black girl at that party was probably just a snob.

   Reply
8. 

   naturalnubian13 7 February 2010 at 8:16 pm Permalink

   I think a lot of people are missing the point here…..or better yet off the mark. Although each individual may have unique reasons for dating outside of their race, overall, I think it is generally a misconception to think that many natural women date non-black men simply because they are more accepting of our hair. Many natural women have learned to think out of the box and learn appreciate a different kind of beauty (or at least one that is different from societies standards). As a result, many naturals have apply this mindset to all facets of their lives…whether that means being willing to try new things and appreciating people for who they are, not what they may protray themselves as.

   Personally, there was a time in my life (not that long ago) where I would tell you that I would never even consider dating outside of my race. However, my natural journey has given me a different outlook on life. What if I am missing out on something (or someone)because I a excluding an entire demographic of people?

   I also think (as other people have pointed out) that it has alot to do with education levels. It does appear, at least from the online community, that the majority of naturals appear to have a higher education and are successful women (or are in the process of striving to be one). I think this makes logical sense, because educated persons are more likely to be self aware….because college teaches you not necessarily to accept what society is feeding you. That being said,having recently graduated from law school (and living in the midwest) I very rarely come across black men that match me mentally. The sad reality is that there are more non-black men that can relate. Although being with someone of the same race is important, it is not the “be all end all”.

   Reply
9. 

   Monet 7 February 2010 at 8:23 pm Permalink

   The thing is, there are certain types of people who GET IT about natural hair. And there are those who just don’t. I went natural at 21 years of age and it seemed young black men are the ones who really don’t get it. They tend to go for a celebrity look and we all know what they look like.
   The issue with this is, a lot of women who go natural are young when they do it. So you have young women with natural hair who probably do notice a shortage in the numbers of black men who approach them– because they’re young. I noticed that the men who hit on me went up an age group demographically, but they were still mostly black. However, my boyfriend now is white. He just put in a lot of work. Sometimes it just works out that way.

   But I doubt most natural haired black women prefer white men. That seems kid of backwards to me, honestly. Honestly, I would’ve preferred a boyfriend who is a minority because of the cultural and social similarities, but it doesn’t matter so much.

   Women like the one you approached are individuals unto themselves. They don’t represent natural women as a whole. Maybe she’d had bad experiences with black men for whatever reasons, or maybe she just has a thing for white men. You never know until you find out.

   Reply
10. 

    Aisha 7 February 2010 at 8:27 pm Permalink

    Naturalnubian 13, that was a great post and I wanted to highlight some of the things you said.

    “Although each individual may have unique reasons for dating outside of their race, overall, I think it is generally a misconception to think that many natural women date non-black men simply because they are more accepting of our hair. Many natural women have learned to think out of the box and learn appreciate a different kind of beauty (or at least one that is different from societies standards). As a result, many naturals have apply this mindset to all facets of their lives…whether that means being willing to try new things and appreciating people for who they are, not what they may protray themselves as.”

    There seems to be a combination of these factors: 1) Natural women thinking outside the box and accepting themselves leads to 2) Embracing men who appreciate you and your beauty regardless of race.

    ______________________________________________________________________
    “That being said,having recently graduated from law school (and living in the midwest) I very rarely come across black men that match me mentally. Although being with someone of the same race is important, it is not the “be all end all”.”

    This is what I was referring to when I said I think a lot of Black women fit best with non-Black men period. Race alone is not enough common ground. Unfortunately, many high achieving, think-outside-the-box type of Black women find it impossible to locate their Black male counterparts. I believe in couples being equally yoked. Why should Black women compromise just to sty within the race when there are men who match them in every way, but who happen to be of a different race?

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

    Reply
11. 

    Aisha 7 February 2010 at 8:35 pm Permalink

    @Nic

    “Does anyone else not feel the “ha-ha in your face” that I feel right now in discovering this online community with many (NOT all by any means) natural women dating outside of the race??”

    Aisha’s response:
    It does make me feel great to see Black women getting love, no matter what the source. However, I don’t feel like “ha ha in your face” to Black men because when I think about Black women dating IR, Black men really aren’t a factor in that for me. No shade to Black men, love you guys too. But everything isn’t about them, and saying “ha ha” means you are focused on their reaction. I think eventually you’ll reach a point where you don’t even think about it.

    I still know where you’re coming from though! Your post is right on. Lol.

    P.S. I predict this post will end up one of the most commented on.

    Reply
12. 

    Sandy 7 February 2010 at 8:43 pm Permalink

    @ tiredofthebs:

    Well that was then, and this is now.
    Tables do turn.
    Attitudes do change.
    New generations replace older generations
    along with their outdated (read racist) ways of thinking.
    People live, and they learn — even white people!
    So, it’s not so much “irony” as it is time’s passage and its
    wound-healing ways.

    @ ladane:

    Brooklyn in the house!

    @ Simon’s Question:

    Asking a “yes” or “no” question about such a complicated issue threatens to reduce the complexity of the issue to an answerable multiple-choice question. You’re seeking an easy answer — a generalization — that just can’t be (and perhaps shouldn’t be) made.

    - “Natural women” = a heterogeneous group of women. NOT monolithic!

    - “Fit Best” = could mean any and everything under the sun!

    - “Non-Black men” = again, a heterogeneous group of men. NOT monolithic!

    Reply
13. 

    AdriB 7 February 2010 at 8:46 pm Permalink

    @Aisha: You said it perfectly, as did this blogster at [gasp!] “Essence” titled “Sometimes The White Girl (Or Guy) Isn’t About You.” I would def recommend checking it out. She hit the nail right on the head!

    [Source: http://blogs.essence.com/theblacksnob/2009/10/sometimes-the-white-girl-or-guy-isnt-about-you.html#comments

    Reply
14. 

    laela 7 February 2010 at 8:55 pm Permalink

    Simon, where have brothers like you been? I can only speak for myself, not other black women, but where I grew up in the Midwest (Michigan), very few educated black men regardless of my hair did not seem interested in me. I haven’t been approached by a college educated (I’m not counting creepy old men) brother in over a year…I love you guys and other sisters do too – perhaps it’s mischance? I know a lot of young guys still like the ‘video girl’ look though…and so I think some of us naturals turn away from black guys because we don’t want to be associated with that mentality. I’m not saying that we’re justified for that though. Ugh, and you can even say it goes back to the state of black man-black woman family/relationships, simply a hot mess…

    Reply
15. 

    tiredofthebs 7 February 2010 at 9:45 pm Permalink

    @ Sandy: fortunately attitudes do change, however, I am not one of those Black woman who is afraid to reference a situation that occured years ago in our community, that affects us today whether it pertains to hair, or the inner-city. My concern is not about being politically correct or presenting myself as if I moved on with the times. I know who I am. With that said regardless, of how ANYONE sees me, I will never let anyone stop me from achieving my goals, if I were so stuck in the past, I would dumb enough to let racism stop me, but o don’t. I state this because I can’t stand when an “educated” Black person triesto show that racism doesn’t exist. If it didn’t we wouldn’t hear comments like “Obama is articulate” and our hair wouldn’t be a discussion, it would just be.

    Reply
16. 

    Yoshi3329 7 February 2010 at 10:49 pm Permalink

    @Sandy

    I know I said I was leaving but wow.

    So anyone that has a preference in black men only is racist? Anyone that wants to see more strong black relationships are racist? Do you even know what that means? Of course not. I really can’t stand people that just throw around “racist” all day long. Please, expand you vocabulary. “Bias” would be better. Everyone has it.

    Apparently a lot of black people are “racist” because black people to a large extent refuse to date outside their race.

    Stay classy. Sandy, Stay classy. SMH.

    I hate it when IR supporters think so friggin’ highly of themselves. Where is the snobbishness coming from? It’s always, “we’re better,” “we’re this,” “black women should only date non-blacks,” or “anyone that doesn’t support it is this and that.” You want to IR date fine, but insulting people that don’t and this other crap is childish.

    I don’t call you outside of your name when it comes to you biases, and they are biases, so don’t call me outside of my name when it comes to mine. =_=

    Reply
17. 

    CheckingIn 7 February 2010 at 11:13 pm Permalink

    @Yoshi3329…

    I agree with you TOTALLY. I think a lot of black women in interracial relationships have the SAME issues of black men who date interracially.

    Yes, of course, I understand there are IR relationships that are totally based on love.

    But I went to a small conservative college and I was horrified at how eager the black women there were to date interracially, have “beautiful kids” and basically distance themselves from black people/culture. It left a HORRIBLE taste in my mouth.

    My fiance is black. He’s attractive, educated and unique. I remember I attended a wedding with him. It was one of my college friends getting married to her Asian fiance. All the other black women kept gushing about how beautiful her kids were going to be. I jokingly said something like, “Yeh my kids will be beautiful too.” The table fell SILENT and a couple women started giggling.

    I want to be supportive of what black women want to do, but I find too much self-hate in the romantic decisions they sometimes make in terms of IR relationships.

    My mom is a psychologist and she tells me about black women/men who marry interracially and have issues going forward because they have this sense that it will improve/enhance their lives and the lives of their children and for many of them it’s hard to accept that, no, it doesn’t make their lives easier or better. And that it probably would have been best for them to make non-race-based romantic decisions in the first place.

    I’m sorry but I’m not buying this whole “black men don’t like me” excuse. I understand that a lot of black men aren’t supportive. But a lot of black women are running straight into the arms of the first non-black man they see.

    And, newsflash, no one seems to want to talk about the fact that these relationships are FAR from perfect! I have several girlfriends dating white, Indian and Asian men and yes, they still have issues. Self-hate doesn’t magically go away because her husband isn’t black. People need to wake up and realize that.

    Reply
18. 

    Sandy 7 February 2010 at 11:17 pm Permalink

    @Yoshi3329

    ???

    I’m totally confused.
    You’ve completely misread my post, so I’m
    not exactly sure how to respond.
    The racists to whom I was referring are those who once “made black people hate everything about themselves.” I think it’s pretty fair to call those folks racist.
    Additionally, I didn’t make a reference to inter-racial dating in my post at all actually.
    And I don’t even think “tiredofthebs” thought I was being insulting.
    Hmm.
    In any case, I’m still confused.
    I’m not trying to start any drama . . . That’s never been my style.
    My style has — indeed — always been classy.
    But I do admit to thinking highly of myself — and quite often too.

    Peace & Hair Moisturizer!

    Sandy

    Reply
19. 

    CheckingIn 7 February 2010 at 11:18 pm Permalink

    Oh, and when I said IR are far from perfect, I didn’t mean to say they are worse than regular relationships. Just that they have the same challenges and joys of any other relationship. They’re not “better” than black-on-black relationships.

    Reply
20. 

    thelady 7 February 2010 at 11:25 pm Permalink

    I don’t get how being rejected by one woman = naturals only date white boys. Maybe she was in a bad mood, maybe you aren’t her type, maybe she was already in a relationship with one of the white guys, so what, don’t take it personal and don’t condemn all black women because of one.

    As a black woman I am sick of people stereotyping me and making assumptions about me.

    I am also in the midwest, I’ve gotten a few compliments from white boys and a few double takes from black guys. No big deal. I’ve also had black guys flirt with me like they would any other girl they were attracted too. I feel like if you don’t like me then don’t talk to me, if I’m not your type don’t waste my time.

    Reply
21. 

    Yoshi3329 7 February 2010 at 11:38 pm Permalink

    @Sandy

    O.O

    Ahhh, Sorry, I you said “racist” and I thought you meant blacks because of the phrase “even white people!” The “even” kind of threw me off. And since the thread was about IR dating I kind of put two and two together. If that makes any sense? Mainly because of my experience. It’s like anyone that doesn’t support IRR are “racist” I can’t tell you how many times someone (on the internet not to my face) has said that about ANYONE THAT DOESN’T AGREE.

    Ish gets tired.

    Sorry ’bout that.

    Reply
22. 

    Sandy 7 February 2010 at 11:50 pm Permalink

    @Yoshi3329

    Phew.

    OK.

    Glad we’re friends again.

    I’m definitely going to sleep now.

    Take good care, all!

    What a lively debate, yah?

    Reply
23. 

    Afrika 7 February 2010 at 11:57 pm Permalink

    “I don’t get how being rejected by one woman = naturals only date white boys” – thelady

    This is Simon. In the original article I submitted, I had multiple examples…not just one. Also, the second paragraph of this article says that “And unfortunately I have had several unfortunate experiences with natural women like this one”. I just want to clarify that I am not basing my article on just one encounter with a natural woman. Another reason which motivated me to write this post (I should have including it in the article but I forgot) was my recent discovery about Whoopi Goldberg. I recently discovered that she was married twice or thrice and all times to white men. This is what got me thinking about the whole natural women and white men issue because a lot of my black guy friends call Whoopi Goldberg “ugly” and say mean things about her hair.

    Also, I am not stereotyping or generalizing all natural women. These experieces were MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES and do not reflect the mindset of all natural women. That is the main reason why I wrote this article because I wanted to see what natural women out there thought about my experiences. I am simply asking questions, I am not stating FACTS or passing judgments.

    Thanks

    Reply
24. 

    CoilyJay 8 February 2010 at 12:41 am Permalink

    I have noticed that men of other races embrace natural hair quicker than our own.

    Reply
25. 

    jewel 8 February 2010 at 12:59 am Permalink

    no I don’t think that men of other races are more accepting of Black women…. our (natural hair or otherwise.) Infact for me I get the most attention from other races win I have a stright weave or wig etc.

    I have witnessed on what seems to be both sides of the spectrum when Black women are dating outside their race they either loose all traces of their ethnic idenity ie (stright blonde weaves and blue contacts) or they try and reafrim their BLACKNESS by being the most afro-centric extremist person in the area.

    Reply
26. 

    Nika 8 February 2010 at 1:03 am Permalink

    I don’t want to make a braod statement like that. I get a lot of compliments from black men about my hair. I think ppl. of their preferences, like and dislikes regardless of race.

    Reply
27. 

    Shones 8 February 2010 at 1:08 am Permalink

    note: i’m focusing my answer here on the original question without reading the previous 70+ comments.

    To the guest blogger, I can only speak for myself. My husband and I have been married for seven years, and have known each other for 12 years. He is black. My sweet muffin says that on the day we met, one of the things that attracted him was the fact that I had a TWA… but I think the fact that we had a lovely initial rapport and good conversation were the greater factors in our early, mutual attraction.

    Maybe the girl you met that night with the locs was just going thru “a season…” Perhaps she was tired of people coming up to her just because of her “cool hair” (I had locs for 8 years, so I know what that feels like). Just because she seemed to exude confidence didn’t really mean she WAS confident (I was really good for a long time at seeming confident even when I was messed up inside). Or perhaps she really likes white guys. Who knows why people choose who they choose. But I think it’s important to see people from a spiritual (through God’s eyes) perspective rather than a carnal (e.g. hair) perspective.

    And FYI, despite the fact that there was plenty of opportunity for me to date white men, since I grew up in a largely white environment, white guys hardly ever approached me, whether I was natural or relaxed.

    Reply
28. 

    Shones 8 February 2010 at 1:20 am Permalink

    ok, having glanced at your most recent post just now, Simon — please don’t let Whoopi be your yardstick. Please.

    Reply
29. 

    jan 8 February 2010 at 1:47 am Permalink

    i have a non black husband (sri lankan) and I’m of west indian background, He is super supportive of my natural hair transition and current hair (more supportive than myself..actually). I have dated black men in the past, and when dating them, i honestly felt the push to look more like black the girl from a magazine or music video ( weave and all), more so than to look just like me, myself, natural.

    I think it has to do with our culture, and how we as black people are surrounded by images that propigate beauty to be, weaves, straight hair, nails, light/yellow skin etc…

    I think when you date/ marry some one outside of your culture. they are coming from a different frame of reference that doest neccesarily have all of your own cultural baggage attached to it.

    note to readers: love is color blind. try to see people for who they really are :)

    Reply
30. 

    Lizzie 8 February 2010 at 1:52 am Permalink

    Uh Oh! I really hope all of this ends civilly. Not gonna lie, some of the comments are slightly “cringe-worthy”. I don’t have an issue with this debate, BUT I just hope at the end we can all respect each others’ choices *hugs*. I support LOVE, plain and simple.

    To be honest, I can’t say I agree with all of these assessments. I’m not getting the logic in some of the answers (sorry, not trying to offend anyone). Here’s my reasoning, so I’ve read ALL 74 comments, and so far only a handful of you beautiful natural ladies are actually in an IR (married or dating). The other handful seems to be in a relationship with a bm. The rest of you (majority), myself included, “appear” to be single (or at least you didn’t state you were in a relationship). LOL, who are we to judge? My point is, just bc someone loves to “touch” your hair or compliments your hair does not mean he/she wants to date you or even interested in you. Anyone can admire/appreciate features different from his/her own from afar. That could just be it. Simply put, they find your hair intriguing. I don’t think it makes you more accessible to approach or inaccessible. If a guy’s into you, he’s into you.

    I just want to make that clear, bc I don’t want”some” natural ladies to have the misguided assumption that non-bm will be available for you bc they appreciate our hair better than blacks. There’s more to a relationship than just hair,lol. I’ve heard just as many natural women in IR recalling that their transition from relax to natural took some adjustment for their non-black SO in comparison to bw with bm as SO.

    Also, I think it should be a reminder that there is a DIVERSE age group of natural black women on the net. Maybe the trends could be different (older women in IR vs younger bw in IR)? Furthermore, I’ve read a few IR blogs and majority of the pics, on those sites, are of relaxed bw with non-bm. I’ve seen just as many relaxed bw in IR as I’ve seen natural…again, I don’t think natural hair is the driving force behind IR. I also don’t think going natural in a IR makes it easier. SUPPORT makes all transitions easy.

    @ JC: “serious relationships merit a much deeper look.” So true sistah! I couldn’t agree with you more. *high-five*. At the end of the day, all men are clueless about hair. Besides, non-bm may like the texture but I believe many of them are just as stuck on length as bm. LOL, I’ve had non-black girlfriends complain about the same thing: wanting to cut their hair either into a bob or pixie cut, but not knowing if their SO will like it. We’re more similar than we are different…

    As for Simon. Interesting observation! No offense taken at all. However, hate to be brutally honest honey, but maybe the girl was just not that into you. It didn’t help that her attitude was stank…

    Reply
31. 

    Meisha 8 February 2010 at 3:57 am Permalink

    A lot of white men have been showing me love for the last three or four years. I usually alternate between wearing my hair big and curly-esque (think Chaka Khan meets old Kelis), to wearing it flat ironed. I get many compliments about wearing my hair big and unruly, and honestly it is my favorite style to have. I also have black guys show me love too, and they dig the big hair too calling me a neo-soul sister Lol. Now I never thought it was about my hair. I just figured since we are in a new age, the white men don’t mind exploring outside their race and are not doing the typical dating thing. I don’t mind dating outside the box and I’m willing to try to get to know a nice guy regardless of color. But when men tell me what they like about me, my hair isn’t the first thing they mention at all. I have no preference about color. I just want a man who treats me with respect.

    Reply
32. 

    naturalnubian13 8 February 2010 at 6:15 am Permalink

    @ CheckingIn

    I am having a hard time understanding why you are so appalled at the number of black women dating outside of our race—like we have some sense of loyalty (or duty) to black men—who by the way have NO problem dating exclusively out of their race. I too attendend a conservative college, and still have a “bad taste in my mouth” about the number of black men who would only dealt w/ white women. However, my problem is w/ people (particularly black men) who only date EXCLUSIVELY outside of their race.

    Black men (for the most part) have done absolutely nothing to warrant our loyalty. I’ve stuck by Black men for many years (as I still do) but another thing that helped me decide to expand my dating horizons was watching the black men that I saw in the clubs on a weekly basis (like I said i live in the Midwest), flocking almost excusively to White women. And by black men, I mean the type of black men that I would be interested in (ie. educated, put together, not looking like they just came off the block). I refuse to settle for the type of black man who approaches me often(which is the “just came off the block type”).

    I have made a conscience decision that henceforth I will never make a decision to date someone solely because of race. Not that I’ve done it before, but Ive given brothers the benefit of a doubt (or extra points) that they did not deserve, solely for being a brother AND because I thought (at the time) I didnt have any better options. Now, however, as an educated, world traveled, well-rounded Black woma I know that there are so many more options out there…and I will not settle or compromise everything that I know Im worth.

    Reply
33. 

    BigSyd 8 February 2010 at 8:28 am Permalink

    Hmm, that is very interesting. I have never experienced anything negative about my hair so far, but I will tell you now I DO NOT prefer white men, lol. That’s just my preference. I prefer brown people. My current boyfriend, who I’m in love with, and who is in love with me, is Indian. He loves my hair, and wishes he had an afro too!!! Before him, all the other boys I’ve been interested in where African American…so no, not really interested in the white boys just because i’m natural, lol. My white friends do love my hair, they always compliment me on it and try to touch it. I try to change the style up everyday by either googling it or going on youtube, or just making it up as i go.

    My African American, and other non-white friends like it too. It kinda reflects my personality, so no one was really surprised when I WENT NATURAL!!!! They all love my hair but claim they’re too “scared” to do it, or it “wouldn’t look good” on them…whatever

    I’m sorry your experienced such rudeness from that other natural!!! Whenever I see other naturals, or even non naturals I try to be kind and polite. We should treat everyone with respect no matter how they choose to wear their hair, because at the end of the day it is a choice, and they have to live with it.

    Reply
34. 

    Peach 8 February 2010 at 9:22 am Permalink

    So let me get this straight. Your dating non-BM because he likes your hair texture. That’s it? And you expect me to believe that? RRIIIGGHHT. Anyone that dates only because of that is just plain shallow.

    Has anyone heard BW say, that BM only date white women because they put up with crap that BW would never put up with? Can I put that the other way around? How do we know that the majority of these women in IRR aren’t with these men because they put up with crap the BM would never put up with? Not saying it’s true just throwing that out there. I think THAT THE MAJORITY of these women have either been hurt by a BM or some psychological problem going on. Not. Falling. For. It.

    Reply
35. 

    HaitianRoots 8 February 2010 at 10:23 am Permalink

    I believe like anything in life, your “truth” is based off of your experience. My husband (who is African-American) and I met almost 13 yrs ago (when I had a relaxer) and as a friend, was there through my transition back to my natural hair texture. Last month got my hair “professionally” straightened to get a trim and him and i both were eager for me to wash that out and get back to looking like me!

    I’m surrounded by beautiful black males who love black women, period. If they happen to rock their natural tresses, that’s a bonus. All my girl-friends who have locs, or fro’s all date or are married to black men who ADORE their hair. So again I say, this is my reality. I do get compliments from men and women outside of my race, which is cool. However, the ones from my hubby, younger brother, and best-male-friend makes me smile from ear to ear.

    Sorry Simon that you haven’t many positive experiences…obviously we haven’t met, I live in Chicago (the mid-west)and I would give you mad love if were to meet albeit to a degree, because as I stated above, I’m taken ;-)

    Reply
36. 

    CheckingIn 8 February 2010 at 11:46 am Permalink

    @Naturalnubian13… You misunderstand what I’m saying.

    I’m not appalled that black women are with non-black men. I’m appalled that — for many of them — it’s an extension of self hate!

    I have black girlfriends who fell in love with white men just because. And that’s fine! The two were the best match for each other, and I totally honor and respect that.

    But I’ve also encountered a lot of crazy black women who are marrying outside the race to get “beautiful” kids or kids with long, curly hair or kids who AREN’T black. And like I said, it got to the point that when I went to that wedding with my fiance, there was a clear DISRESPECT for my black-on-black relationship.

    I am totally of the train of thought that black women shouldn’t be tied to dating/marrying black men and should date/marry whoever they want. I dated white and asian guys before I ended up with my man. But I was never thinking in the back of my head “Oh. I gotta stick with this guy because my kids will be beautiful!”

    My sisters and I are dark skinned. And not to be arrogant or anything, but all of us have never had issues finding (or getting engaged to) a man. Meanwhile my mother has a white friend with two bi-racial (mixed with black) daughters. They were friends of our family but recently this white mother had a MELTDOWN because I was engaged, and both my sisters are in relationships with D1 athletes who are also great guys while her bi-racial daughters — who I guess are supposed to be superior to us because they are mixed — are struggling to find men. This mom said some horrible things about my mother and my sisters because of her false belief about the ‘mystique of the mixed family’. And that’s the kind of thinking I’m talking about. The snobbiness that Yoshi was talking about. The sense that your kids are supposed to be better if you take steps to marry outside the race and get some of the black out of ‘em.

    So no, I’m not telling ANYONE to have loyalty to black men. LORD KNOWS that black men don’t really deserve it. But I’m also saying that I can’t respect or support a black woman who goes ahead and does the SAME THING that black men do — marrying outside the race because of insecurities.

    Reply
37. 

    kinksncurls 8 February 2010 at 12:12 pm Permalink

    I’m a natural woman, and I have been married to a white male for the past five years. And I can personally tell you, that it had nothing to do with my hair, or my feelings towards black men. It simply had to do with my feelings for HIM, my husband. I’ve dated, black men, white men, it doesn’t really matter. I think that when someone loves you, they love you through it all. When I met my husband, I had relaxed hair, he stuck around through, my hair breakage, my extension braids, my half relaxed, half natural, and my natural hair.

    And honestly, I think a black man who LOVES you, or truly Cares about you would do the same. There are stupid men of every race. Some are going to like your hair, some are not. Its all boils down to how they feel about you, because if they really care about you, they’ll like you no matter what your hair looks like. It bothers me, sometimes that people think that others who marry or date outside of their race, has a problem with people of their own race. Because I don’t, and I know alot of others who do not as well. You can’t help who you fall in love with, and to me it wasn’t about a skin color, or a hair type. My husband made me feel special, and loved. I think this whole topic is dangerous ground. We as black people, want others to be tolerant of us, we want acceptance for our natural hair, for our skin, for the way we talk…but there’s too much hatred and anger going around. But from a black woman, married to a white man, I can tell you, my choice had nothing to do with black men, or my feelings towards them. It was simply about my love for my husband. That’s it, and that’s how it should be.

    Reply
38. 

    BigSyd 8 February 2010 at 2:53 pm Permalink

    @ Peaches…

    I hope all of that wasn’t directed at me?? Maybe I’m being paranoid because it was posted right after mine? But no, we’re not dating because he likes my hair texture, lol. That’s just silly, and you’re right, it WOULD be a shallow reason. Nope. We’re dating because we have been friends for over a year, and then we fell in love. When I met him my hair WAS relaxed, my freshman year in college. Now into my sophomore year, it’s free of all perm (Thank GOD!!)

    And no, I don’t have a “psychological problem going on” and never been hurt by BM. So….I think your theory may need a little tweaking. Maybe you were the one that was hurt?

    Reply
39. 

    Peach3329 8 February 2010 at 3:50 pm Permalink

    @BigSyd

    uh, wrong wasn’t talking to to you.

    I stand by my statement.

    Reply
40. 

    Peach 8 February 2010 at 3:51 pm Permalink

    Dang left the 3329. Sorry. Yoshi3329 is my sis. We share the same computer.

    Reply
41. 

    Anon 8 February 2010 at 4:27 pm Permalink

    Interesting Assessment. I don’t believe though. Most BW date BM. I know I do and my friends and family do too.

    Reply
42. 

    Deborah 8 February 2010 at 4:30 pm Permalink

    @Peach

    I know how that feels. LOLz! sometimes I favorite a video on youtube under my brother’s name without knowing it. He comes back and says, “who that heck just favored a Beyonce song on my account?!” LOLz!

    Reply
43. 

    naturalnubian13 8 February 2010 at 4:54 pm Permalink

    @CheckingIn

    Sorry for misinterpreting your statement. Thanks for the clarification. And for the record– I agree with you. Any woman who dates/marries a man solely because he likes the texture of her hair(or any particular physical feature or characteristic) is not a smart woman.

    And in regards to the people who date outside of their race to make “pretty babies”, I think this is completely ridiculous and shameful. I have yet to actually come across this type of person in real life. I have only seen these types of people on shows like Tyra, however I do not doubt whether they exist…sadly.

    Reply
44. 

    CheckingIn 8 February 2010 at 6:09 pm Permalink

    @naturalnubian13

    Thanks for the understanding.
    These women definitely exist. But I don’t think they are common. I think I’ve probably been disproportionately affected by it. There was that blow-out with the white friend of my family, my HORRIBLE conservative college experience (that was RIFE with black self hate, from both BW and BM), and then my fiance comes from a multi-racial family (he’s a quarter white, 3/4 black… the rest of his family is either 1/2 white or 3/4 white, with a heavy native american influence mixed in) so I deal with shit from them ALL THE TIME. They’re always dropping hints that our kids aren’t going to be as beautiful as they are, or that their hair texture is going to be just awful.

    I actually had a breakdown over Christmas break because I was so tired of it, and it hurt so bad. But I have to remain strong and not allow other people’s hatred of a part of themselves affect me.

    I think at the end of the day black women need to marry for LOVE. And like a lot of the commenters mentioned, it has little to do with ‘loyalty to the race’ or ‘achieving pretty babies’. Whether it’s with black men or men who aren’t black, we as black women really need to be focused on creating strong marriages and healthy families. We need to be able to find love and sustain it.

    Thanks again naturalnubian13 for understanding what I was getting at and not being offended by it.

    ~Jasmine

    Reply
45. 

    Mrsvitt 8 February 2010 at 6:47 pm Permalink

    To the author, Speaking from my own personal affairs… I don’t think that some natural women choose or fit better with Non-bm because of their hair… lol.. sorry I just find the whole thing kind of funny. If someone is dating/married outside of the race, one would hope it would be for love; Mutual respect and interest for one another.. I’m sorry that you had all those bad experiences.. But maybe those women were just into other men period… or just not into u you(no disrespect at all)! Better luck next time!

    Now…. for those of you who wrote or think that if a women dates outside her race she has “issues”. WHOA!.. Now yes I can admit that there are some bw who date or marry outside of the race for the stupidity!.. Yes I get that, But that in itself is a whole other ball park. Like, There’s women who will only date Ivy-L well educated black men. Or women who will only date athletes…Or wealthy men.. etc.. These things are all choices that that particular women chose to do.. Just because you don’t agree with it or it’s not how you were raised or whatever doesn’t make it wrong… It just makes it theirs!.. Their life.. their problem or not!… Yes you are in titled to your opinion!.. But agreeing to disagree is ok too!! Flat out telling them that they are wrong ; your way is the right way…. Well.. I have friends who date in/out of their race.. We all don’t agree all the time. But we respect each other and We don’t belittle one another!!

    Lastly.. I’m married for the second time around.. and this time to a white man.. (My first husband was black).. We have a sweet toddler (boy) and we have my two beautiful children from my first union. I’m natural (newly). So my hair had nothing to do with our union so to speak.. We met.. we dated .. we fell in-love.. we married.. we gave birth. Had nothing to do with the color of skin!. It was my choice to per sue that relationship.. just like it’s your choice to per sue yours!

    Blessing and respect to all

    Reply
46. 

    TATI 8 February 2010 at 11:21 pm Permalink

    wow….why cant people live and let live…why cant I marry who the hell I want and not have to sufffer from self hate….i always adored and stuck by my black man…I LIVE IN NYC AND ANYONE FROM NY KNOWS THAT IT IS A SHORTAGE OF QUALITY I REPEAT QUALITY BLACK MEN…I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR AN UNEDUCATED, NON VERBAL, PANTS HALF WAY DOWN THE KNEES BROTHER FOR THE SAKE OF BEING WITH A BROTHER, LORD KNOWS I HAVE ALWAYS SAID WHEN GOD MADE BLACK MEN…….HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING. I HAD THE ATITUDE THAT I COULD NOT BE WITH ANYTHING BUT A BROTHER, BUT GUESS WHAT? I NO LONGER FEEL THAT WAY…..I HAVE BRAODED MY HORIZON AND NOW DATE ALL RACES EVEN A WHITE MAN BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY I AM LOOKING FOR LOVE FROM A QUALITY ,EDUCATED, GAINFULLY EMPLOYED, NON DRAMATIC, MAN WITH OUT A TRAIL-A-LOAD OF KIDS AND BABY MAMAS THAT COME ALONG WITH THEM……CALL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT AND PLEASE DONT REPLY SAYING THAT I AM STEREOTYPING BC I DID NOT SAY ALL BLACK MEN BUT A GOOD AMOUNT HERE IN NY COME WITH UNATTRACTIVE QUALITY AND THEY ONES THAT DONT ARE SWOOPED UP QUICKLY…..I WORK IN MANHATTAN AND ALL OF THE FINE EDUCATED BROTHERS ARE WITH WHITE OR ASIAN WOMEN…..I HAVE SSEN A FEW WITH SISTERS TOO BUT THEY ARE NOT A WHOLE LOT OF THEM. I KNOW NOT ALL BLACK MAN ARE LIKE HOW I DESCRIBED OR WITH ONLY NO BLACKS BUT THATS WHAT I HAVE SEEN, MY FRIENDS HAVE SEEN AND THATS THE BIGGEST COMPLAINT HERE WHERE I LIVE , I AM JUST GETTING OLDER AND QUALITY BLACK MEN THAT I SEE ARE ALWAY ON THE ARM OF NON BLACK WOMEN AND ALL OF THE QUALITY DATING SITES, THE QUALITY BROTHERS ALWAYS SET THEIR PREFERENCE TO EVERYTHING BUT BLACK…SO I AM HAPPY THAT BLACK WOMEN ARE STARTING TO LOOK OUTSIDE THEIR RACE FOR LOVE INSTEAD OF BEING THE STEREOTYPE OF MAD BLACK WOMEN THAT CANT FIND A BLACK MAN,I GET TIRED OF HEARING BROTHERS SAY OH DONT BRING A WHITE WOMEN ARE SISTERS CAUSE THAT IS NO LONGER THE CASE BECAUSE A WHOLE LOT OF NATURAL HERE IN BROOKLYN ARE WITH NON BLACK MEN NOT ALL BUT ALOT. SISTERS ARE FINDING LOVE WITH OUT COMPROMISING THEIR STANDARDS…I KNOW THAT THEIR ARE ALOT OF QUALITY BROTHER THAT LOVES SISTERS BUT THEIR ARE NOT THAT MANY HERE IN NY AND IF THEY ARE THEY ISN’T ENOUGH OF THEM…… I LOVE WHEN I SEE A BEAUTIFUL BLACK COUPLE WALK DOWN THE STREET BUT HONESTLY IF YOU LOVE ME RESPECT ME AND TREAT ME LIKE THE QUEEN THAT I AM……I WONT CARE WHAT COLOR YOU ARE.

    Reply
47. 

    Melinda 8 February 2010 at 11:53 pm Permalink

    My dear brother all I can say is hmmmm and THANK YOU!!!! You r soo on point with this observation. I have noticed that since I have done the bc, even when it was a twa most if not all of my compliments have come from white people, both women and men or from black men who are very confident and self assured Black men. Well said my brother and again I say, Thank you. If I were not married right now I would soo be dating a white guy. Less hang ups, more acceptance of me being ME!!

    Reply
48. 

    flowerchica 9 February 2010 at 1:26 am Permalink

    natural black women seem to be attracted to nonblack men because they KNOW how ignorant and self-hating black men can be. so why bother? that’s why they bypass so many black men. a black man may sex her or even be bold enough to date her, but a few months down the line, he will try to get her to “do something” with her hair. a nonblack man is FAR less likely to do that; in fact, he will encourage her to maintain her natural look. hell, the roaches know black men are allergic to afrocentric features. look at their choice/preference of women for proof.

    Reply
49. 

    Indigo Reign 9 February 2010 at 7:22 am Permalink

    The blogger “Black Married Momma” talks a lot about black love and issues between black men and women. So does the “Angry Black Woman.” Go there for more discussions! http://www.blackmarriedmomma.blogspot.com and http://www.blackanrywoman.com.

    Reply
50. 

    Stacy 9 February 2010 at 10:43 am Permalink

    The experience you had as a man is one many women who decide to go natural replicate on a daily basis. The support from our own is desperately lacking and I too have experienced that it is people from other races who can truly appreciate me in my natural form. To other black peole sometimes that level of naturality can be an embarrassment, as if we are exposing them somehow for who they really are. Brooklyn, NY is a unique place as natural and straightened live harmoniously and no body cares as long as you are happy with you and I have been fortunate to transition in this atmosphere because my support and people I can look to for ideas has been bountiful. But besides my wanting to the biggest support to my change has been my supportive and wonderful Latino finace who watched me go from sleek, relaxed short cuts to looking like a hot mess as I grew out the perm to where I am now and not once did he flinch. He loved me for me from head to to, not because of or inspite of. Just me. If I relaxed tomorrow he would still love me. He HATES braids but loves me even when Im rocking them. It is the unconditonal acceptance women gravitate towards not the color. He loves me even in the mornings when my hair is smooshed into whatever shape I slept on the pillow or when I have it wrapped up tight under my silk tie. I will admit with brothers I have dated in the past I would worry about not being perfect all the time and hair is part of your image. But hen you are perfect to your mate no matter what you are free to embrace and love yourself even better. Maybe that chick was just stuck up and prefers others to brothers.

    Reply

Leave a Reply