John Mayer=epic fail

Elizabeth 12 February 2010 at 12:12 pm Permalink

I was shocked by the comment. I was a very big fan of his and until I read your post I did not hear the details about his comments–just a reported use of a slur.

Drea 12 February 2010 at 12:21 pm Permalink

As far as there “not being a mainstream acceptance of how black women look, which undercuts perceptions of our worth,” I must strongly agree. When I read this foolishness, and then saw his half- assed apology, I immediately categorized black women’s outraged reaction as yet another example of looking outside of ourselves for validation. If only we could praise the examples of black and non-black men alike, who view OUR type of beauty as the IDEAL type, as opposed to focusing so much on men who clearly do not prefer us over the mainstream ideals, we would be easily unaffected. On a more controversial note, as we stand by and watch the Young Burg’s, John Mayer’s, and [insert celebrity male who has clearly displayed a preference for non black women here] go on about their lack of appreciation for us, our initial emotion is anger. But at some point we should stop and ask ourselves “Are we doing everything in our power to one day BE the ideal” “Are we doing all we can to educate ourselves about OUR hair, skin, etc, so it looks and feels as healthy as it could be?” “Are we taking care of ourselves as much as possible? (i.e working out, eating right, keeping up on things that would enhance our natural beauty etc.) Just some food for thought…

marie 12 February 2010 at 12:25 pm Permalink

I first can’t believe how the media is downplaying what this man stands for. I completely understand having a preference, but to use the terms white supremacist and David Duke was INDEED racist. COME ON PEOPLE….HE REFERENCED HIS PENIS TO A FORMER GRAND WIZARD OF THE KKK. WTF!!!! That means he thinks his D#@$ is above black woman. That wasn’t stating a preference. That was putting down all other races that aren’t white. Does not a white supremacist think that their race is higher than all others?
Secondly I am disgusted who those that feel this wasn’t a slap in the face. I really felt like how dare you throw piss in the face of minority women (black in particular), and call it water. I LOVED john Mayer, but he lost me as a fan after that statement. stupis stupid man in my opinion. OK I’m done! :-)

Christy Hyman 12 February 2010 at 12:44 pm Permalink

I was a fan of Mayer as well…and I guess in essence he is saying he does not want to have sex with black women…. I know black men who say they don’t want to have sex with black women. I personally cannot get too mad at this man’s preference. His analogy was vulgar yes, but if he only wants his white sisters, I cannot be mad at the man. I only prefer to “date” black men, but have “fun” with one or two non-black men. I could only marry a black man though, so I guess Mr. Mayer and I think alike in that respect. It was ill-advised to make such a statement as an entertainer as he has MANY black fans.

Brown Eyes 12 February 2010 at 12:44 pm Permalink

Not sure what his music is like, he’s not that big in the UK. But if he isn’t attracted to black women…well he’s just one man, he’s not saying they are not attractive, just he is not attracted to them. I’m not offended by that, its his preference. I don’t look to him or to playboy magazine to tell me that I’m attractive. His reference to white supremacists probably sounded like very dry humour to him…but not so funny when you see it in print.

Sandy 12 February 2010 at 12:46 pm Permalink

I’m sure there are people who will advise us (black women) to love ourselves irrespective of racist potshots like Mayer’s. That’s sound advice, of course, and I sure do love myself quite a lot. But we also don’t live in a vacuum. Loving ourselves is only half the battle. Society also needs to meet us halfway. A society that continues to think that black women in general and as a group are unattractive and unlovable is a society that needs some serious help. I’m not proposing to start that helping coalition, because frankly I think we black folks have been teaching and trying to teach others about us for oh-so long!
We moonlight as teachers. We teach by example. We teach at work. We teach at school. We teach on blogs. We teach, preach, teach . . . We might just have to accept that some folks are just unteachable — Mayer might be one of those.

Yes, Sure: Mayer’s only one guy.
Yes, Sure: He’s a product of this society & its warped ways of thinking.
Yes, Sure: Mayer’s sexual preferences are not the issue.

But to describe his sexual preferences in negative terms that clearly, publicly, & emphatically set out to discriminate against black women is to assault black women by way of insult. It is disturbing. It is offensive.
It is NOT and should never be OK to make black women — or anyone, for that matter — the target of racist jokes.

At the end of the day, I’m just tired that folks think it’s OK or funny or normal to disrespect black people in public.

- Why is it OK, these days, for black people or blackness to be the punchline, the punching bag, or the butt of the joke?!

- Why are the white-supremacist tendencies of your penis something that you think you should take pride in?!

- What do you think your white penis has dodged in its never having been “there” and done “that?”

And on another, more practical, note:
Can Kerry Washingtion sue Mayer for seditious libel?!
May I sue Mayer for seditious libel?!
I need the money!

Mimi 12 February 2010 at 12:47 pm Permalink

I am not surprised by this statement. He wants attention and he got it. I will not play into his race card and ignore the moron. The best weapon against stupidity is to ignore them.

bnme 12 February 2010 at 12:51 pm Permalink

I really don’t care! He isn’t someone to look up to or be impressed with. He sings for a living. Believe it or not, there are still racist in the world. Move on! I just thought I should let you know.

Aisha 12 February 2010 at 1:07 pm Permalink

Drea said:
“If only we could praise the examples of black and non-black men alike, who view OUR type of beauty as the IDEAL type, as opposed to focusing so much on men who clearly do not prefer us over the mainstream ideals, we would be easily unaffected.”

Drea, word to your whole post, but especially this part. I realize how much I am growing by my muted reactions to situations such as this. I simply don’t care about men who dislike Black women (although I will NOT allow them to disrespect/devalue me or my sisters). I like to keep my focus on those who love and appreciate Black women.

marie 12 February 2010 at 1:16 pm Permalink

Sandy you said it best. This man just disrespected all of his black fans. I LOVE who I am, and nothing ANYONE says can change that. It’s not even about color. We are who we are, and have no control over how we came into this world. Just because he loves his white sisters does not give him the right to use derogatory terms.

Anonymous 12 February 2010 at 1:37 pm Permalink

I don’t believe that John Mayer is racist or that he thinks lowly of Black women. I think that he was just trying way too hard to be funny and witty… and for that: EPIC FAIL. Definitely wasn’t funny.

But, yeah, after reading the interview, I definitely don’t get the vibe that he is racist or hates Black women. I do think he did not need to use the n-word, but you could tell he was just trying to funny, if you read the interview in its entirety. Too bad he failed.

AGrlCanMac 12 February 2010 at 1:39 pm Permalink

My take is this, WHY DO WE NEED AFFIRMATION FROM ONE WHITE MAN THAT WE ARE BEAUTIFUL!? Why are we even entertaining this idiocy? I’m not going to not be able to go to sleep at night b/c he said he doesn’t date black women. In my “rose colored” lenses, shoot that’s HIS loss and if a man is talking like that why would I want him; be offended that he doesn’t want me? The white women can keep him! Now obviously he could have practiced more eloquence in answering the question but it just goes to show he’s an idiot. I refuse to give energy for what one white man thinks. He’s not speaking for all white men.

Jc 12 February 2010 at 1:39 pm Permalink

I do think that the focus should not shift though away from his remarks.

I say, don’t take the spotlight off the offender and place it on the media. Let John bask in the ‘glory’ of the disgust he generated. Let him grovel and let him feel the flames of the fans that he enraged. Let him work out his issues. This isn’t about the media, as a matter of fact if it wasn’t for the media we wouldn’t know.

Here is a life lesson, everyone has an agenda, get used to it. John Mayer thought he would look cool, playboy published it because this is true solid gold (can you imagine the number of hits they have generated from this?).

I think that black people need to make it their agenda to rise above and hence the reason why this site exists. I don’t care if mainstream media likes or dislikes my look, why should I? I’ve been black all my life, it has never, not once been a handicap. Does jumping through hoops make you weaker? No, it makes you learn, grow, work harder and gain an edge over others…….if you do it properly.

To flip the script, if a white guy claimed love for black women plainly on physical attributes he could be labelled a misogynist or even racist for perpetuating the ideology that black people are inherently sexual and nothing more.

So in short I am saying, let it all be about John Mayer, nothing more, nothing less. He is not a symbol of anything beyond a man who clearly has issues and not an ounce of common sense.

Forget the agenda, read the words that came from his mouth, be rightfully abhorred, pass the sick bucket, learn whatever lesson you choose and move on.

Melinda 12 February 2010 at 1:44 pm Permalink

If any response at all is warrented it is this one. He is an ignorant “man” with a penis so small I am happy not to be included in the same sentence with it either by race, gender or name.

CheckingIn 12 February 2010 at 1:46 pm Permalink

My first thought is if John Mayer had said this about any other ethnicity of women, you best believe that their men would come to their defense.

It disheartens me how much black men want to downplay this (probably because they feel the same way J.M. does) and it also disheartens me how some black women don’t feel a need to at least address this.

Yes I think we should focus on those who love us. But we also can let it be known publicly that we don’t appreciate what J.M. said. That’s not focusing on those who don’t love us, it’s responding to an attack.

And I do think J.M. was stating his preference, and actually I don’t see much wrong with that. But the violence of the language he used (white supremacist/David Duke) is what makes me upset. Why conjure up violent racism to make your point?

Sandy 12 February 2010 at 1:48 pm Permalink

@marie

EXACTLY!
Love your white sisters all you want, Mayer!
But there is absolutely no need to express that white love by way of degrading black women.

And we’re all grown ups here.
We tell children that Santa exists.
Lie!
We tell children,
“Sticks & stones may break their bones, but words will never hurt them.”
Lie!

Words hurt.
Verbal diarrhea stinks.
Hurtful words aimed, over and over again, at black women cause damage.
We’re strong. We’re human. But we’re not superhuman.
An assault is an assault is an assault.
If you prick us, we do bleed.
If you prick us, we too bleed.

Peace y’all!

Steph 12 February 2010 at 1:52 pm Permalink

I know we shouldn’t let one man’s comments knock our self esteem, but it’s not just one man’s comments. It’s the majority of media. Even though we shouldn’t use society’s bad perceptions of us as a yardstick, it is very difficult to do so. And it’s just off the mark. We have a right to be outraged and combat such venom, because it is not OK.

John Mayer was just one idiot who thought what he was saying was “cute.” Not so much. Did he do it for attention? Only he knows. But he got it nonetheless and now it’s time to move on to other things. People in Haiti are still suffering, global warming is causing it to snow on the Gulf Coast, etc…

Carla 12 February 2010 at 1:52 pm Permalink

Do we really need mainstream acceptance to be happy?

I love the website, and I love the empowerment you promote!!!

I sincerely want to thank you.

Anon 12 February 2010 at 1:54 pm Permalink

But HOLD UP HOLD UP HOLD UP people!

I read almost ALL the comments on that post about naturals being better with non-black men. And many of you were MORE than happy to generalize black men (mostly ALL black men don’t like us) and give a pass to all white men.

Now you guys want to say that John Mayer is “one white man” and doesn’t represent all white men.

It seems that you are trying way too hard to keep up this ridiculous notion that white men are somehow better for black women.

Look, it’s not just about John Mayer. Let’s be honest, HE REPRESENTS A LOT OF WHITE MEN. That’s why he’s so famous. That’s why he has a huge following. For everything a pop icon like John Mayer says or does, you BEST believe there are a million behind him who say/do and believe the SAME THING.

So no, Jc, it’s not just about John Mayer, what this one man said. It’s about WHAT HIS THINKING SAYS ABOUT MEN/WHITE MEN TODAY.

I think that we should all spend WAY LESS TIME trying to give white men a pass or demonize black men OR VICE VERSA and spend more time LOVING ourselves, investing in ourselves, beautifying ourselves and letting love come to us.

Bajan Princess 82 12 February 2010 at 2:16 pm Permalink

I’m actually glad to see this post after the one about interracial relationships. And I agree with anon. A lot of the comments in the other post generalized black men and their supposed disdain for natural hair (which I NEVER experienced), so now can we generalize white men too b/c of what John Mayer said? Every man is an individual and has his individual preferences, so let’s take them one by one (through their words and actions) and stop the prejudices and generalizations.

M.J. 12 February 2010 at 2:53 pm Permalink

BGLH, I totally agree. But, first off- why were we even mentioned in the first place?? WTH? Why did the interviewer feel compelled to even ask that question? Second, Mayer’s response is absolutely dispicable…referencing the KKK/ David Duke?? WHAT?! Third, beautiful, black women don’t want his pastey @ss anyway…so the feeling’s mutual

marie 12 February 2010 at 3:08 pm Permalink

@Anon & Bajan Princess….But did these black men that were against natural hair use derogatory terms to state that? It’s not what he said it’s HOW he said it. His choice of words showed his heart condition. And I agree there shouldn’t be a generalization of white MEN based on one pig headed statement.

alexis 12 February 2010 at 3:11 pm Permalink

I could care less his opinion on black women, i’m mad that they are not blowing this up big like they did the Kanye West/Taylor Swift situation. John used a very derogatory word taht has very clear racist history within our country and peole are acting like it means nothing, but drunk Kanye takes the mic from “poor” Taylor and we are ready to crucify him. I hate how America has double standards!

Msnappy 12 February 2010 at 3:14 pm Permalink

Maybe it’s just me but John Mayer’s comments don’t hurt my self esteem. “I” prefer white men and my husband is white. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for that and neither does John Mayer. I have encountered MANY black women who tell me they could never date a white man and that is their preference. I don’t see white men crying over their choice of a partner and neither should black women care what this white man desires. Yes, he was vulgar but that is his style. I didn’t take it personally. I have NEVER had a problem getting any race man I want. John Mayer or society will never make me feel inferior!

Anon 12 February 2010 at 3:16 pm Permalink

@marie… there shouldn’t be generalizations either way — of white men OR black men. of ANY men. that’s why i ended my statement by saying that black women should just accept love wherever they find it AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.

i think a lot of these commenters say things about black men without realizing that, yes, some of us are engaged and married to black men. do they stop and think about how offensive their generalizations of black men are to us?

and people also don’t stop and pay attention the women who comment on this blog regarding NEGATIVE experiences they’ve had with their white husbands/boyfriends. i’ve heard some stories of these white men not being accepting of natural hair. but people just seem to gloss over those statements. but all hell breaks loose if someone talks about how tyrone or rasheed said my natural hair wasn’t cute.

to me it’s just trading one brand of racializing for another.

as someone who is currently married to a black man and has dated men of all colors, i really do think that we CAN’T generalize on black OR white men. just like they CAN’T generalize about us as black women.

i had awesome experiences with the white men i dated and they hold a special place in my heart. but i also watched some of my black girlfriends interests in white men they met through grad school/work go unrequited because they didn’t fit these men’s idea of what is beautiful.

this campaign to smear one race and uplift another, whether it be white OR black is so ridiculous and has gone way too far. and i’ll repeat what i said before: we as black women need to just learn to love and accept ourselves and work on building ourselves. love will and does come to us. black women are too outwardly focused. let the conversation stop being about what race is good for us and just be about US.

chandra 12 February 2010 at 3:31 pm Permalink

So many issues here. I would just like to know though..what prompted that question by playboy? As if black women have a reputation for throwing themselves at men. It’s just really ridiculous. Why black women? Not asian, spanish, greek, i mean you get the point, what the heck?

Nicole 12 February 2010 at 3:38 pm Permalink

I’m never really surprised when stupid people say stupid things. I’ve listened to his music before and have liked some of it, am not really a fan, but for some reason I’m not surprised. I’m sure others share his opinion, but not in so many words (for some reason Strom Thurmond comes to mind); but I just can’t be bothered to explain or prove anything to that type of person of any race or ethnicity. I’ll just be that crazy-awesome mystery you’ll never know anything about. I don’t mean to diminish the meaning of his horrible statements, and it is at times frustrating and hurtful that there are actually people who exist that think this way, but I just can’t be bothered with John Mayer’s nonsense. I have my own nonsense to worry about and people in my life that are worth being concerned about.

Zora Neale Hurston said it best, “Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me.”

D Alexandra 12 February 2010 at 3:45 pm Permalink

It’s not the fact that he said he doesn’t date black women. That’s fine. It’s the WAY he said it that’s hurtful. And it’s NOT okay. But I don’t imagine it to get much more media attention than this. It’s not like we don’t already know how unfair this country is. “Black women are the mules of the Earth”, as said in the book Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston.

SH 12 February 2010 at 4:10 pm Permalink

Why should any woman care what that skank John Mayer thinks about anything. Isn’t this the man who has been using and abusing his high profile girlfriends to blaze a media trail to the front pages of celeb mags and tabloids. Ask Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson what they think of his penile preferences.

stacy 12 February 2010 at 4:18 pm Permalink

Hey all,

This is silly. Do not look to pop stars, the media, etc for acceptance. Acceptance of ourselves should be enough.

Nicole @ 12 February 2010 at 4:40 pm Permalink

CONTIUUM is my ALBUM

but this mess… smh
WHY IN THE WORLD would you answer the question that way?
I can’t get mad for him using the N-word casually because the fact that we as black people use it at all is a whole new type of pitiful, BUT…

WHY WOULD YOU COMPARE YOUR MANHOOD, to a WHITE SUPREMACIST?
and why is that THE ANSWER THAT POPS INTO YOUR MIND…

oh well, I though his new CD was a giant step down from CONTIUUM anyway…

Brit 12 February 2010 at 5:14 pm Permalink

meh. he’s just one man. a cute and talented one, but just one man nonetheless. let’s be real-i’d never get the chance to test ALLLL THIS on his little johnny, so i’m gonna let the comments roll all the way down my back.

Lauryn King 12 February 2010 at 5:15 pm Permalink

I’m deleting all of his music off my itunes. I never knew he was like that. It makes me wonder what other white artists/celebrities I support, that have the same ignorance lying within. smh…

Brit 12 February 2010 at 5:17 pm Permalink

AND that’s why he keeps getting dumped. what a douche.

Michele 12 February 2010 at 5:47 pm Permalink

People,

A man’s dick has no brains. It goes where it goes mostly independent of where it “should”. He was honest. A Benetton heart says his more “intelligent” self embraces all people. You can’t fault people for who they desire to take to bed!

It’s not an affront if a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you. Sometimes it’s a complement.

amt 12 February 2010 at 6:08 pm Permalink

Idk what the fuss is about, the way I read it, it seems like a really bad joke, that he really isn’t attracted to black women and your issue is…(idc he’s a man whore anyway i dont wanna touch that lol)..but i do believe there’s a double standard because we have shows like the Chapelle show, who constantly got on white people and other races, and no one said anything about the race, Im a faithful fan of john mayer and just knowing his background you know that he isn’t racist. No one cares that Taylor Swift was white and Kayne was black except for racist people, the issue with that was that, it was disrespectful, She is a child and it looked like a royal butt kissing on ye’s part….idk I guess each person see’s things different I just see it as a bad joke

Stephanye 12 February 2010 at 7:26 pm Permalink

OH-MY-GOD!!! Not you too BGLH???

You can’t be serious by getting upset about this!!! I am BEYOND disgusted by the Black communities response to the interview. By NO means did John Mayer say ANYTHING offensive. Black women are mad that he said he has a David Duke penis….when MOST Black women (stupidly) have Assata Shakur vaginas! Moreover, besides the fact he said that he IS attracted to women of color, he went on to say that he will “start dating against his dick”, AND he even listed Black women that he found beautiful!!!

With that being said, as Black women and as women with natural hair, STOP being on the offense and defense all of the time. It reeks and men can see that from a mile away. THATS the reason why Brothas are cool on us curlygirls. RELAX…stand tall in your beauty!!!

Asia 12 February 2010 at 7:47 pm Permalink

I understand where you are coming from because it is hurtful to find out that someone you like doesn’t find you attractive simply because of race. But I don’t care that a white guy who can’t see beyond European and “exotic” looks doesn’t like me because I don’t fit his ideal sexy woman. Why would I care and why would I get mad at him for being honest. He didn’t lie (well he could have been fucking with the world), he told the absolute truth. Maybe some people didn’t want to hear his truth, that’s fine they don’t have to, but if they want to know who he is for sure they mine as well listen. I also must mention that there are still black women out there who have their ideal black man and don’t find white men sexually attractive at all should we be mad at them too… Nobody can help who they are sexually attracted to (its as much psychological as it is social) they can only work on it if they decide to do so.

Meredith 12 February 2010 at 7:58 pm Permalink

Women waste far too much time obsessing and analysing what men think of them. For black women, men’s negative comments seem to be taken very much to heart. John Mayer sounded like an immature little boy who had let his guard down during an interview and mistaken the journalist for one of his boys. It was inappropriate but probably not meant offensively. That doesn’t stop it being insensitive and idiotic. The guy hardly comes across as a catch besides…he doesn’t realise the damage he’s done to his fanbase as it always seemed like his sappy brand of alphabet soup style lyricising and over earnest sincerity was loved by many black women. Perhaps that’s why the question was asked to him in the first place. He is not the first White act and won’t be the last to harbour less than desirable ideas about black people or women. Kings of leon are much loved by many black women yet are a product of a deep south upbringing. I’ve always loved alternative music and some of the white males in this genre aren’t the most enlightened. Most white males date and find white women to be the most attractive especially when they are young men. Silly comments like Mayer’s or any other person’s black White or purple should not have black women losing their heads. If you want to protest don’t buy what Mayer is selling. Let Jennifer Aniston and his preference deal with him. I strongly doubt he speaks for a majority of White males, the ones I know have rightly pinned him as a fool.

Nala 12 February 2010 at 8:21 pm Permalink

@Stephanye…

Wow. So what do you suggest? That whenever black women are lambasted in the media we just say nothing?

He said his penis was white supremacist. He used language that was violently racist.

It’s crazy too me how black women are so satisfied to let society shit on them and just NOT SAY ANYTHING.

I don’t think these responders are doing so out of insecurity. I’m guessing that a lot of them are in relationships of their own. But I do think that John Mayer’s comments were extremely offensive. And it’s not so much that he has a preference, as many said it’s the language he used.

He listed a few black women that he would date yeh…. BUT RIGHT AFTER HE CALLED HIS DICK A WHITE SUPREMACIST! We all know that one of the key tenets of supremacy is that white women are pure, superior, the definition of beauty.

I am happily married. But best believe I’m going to speak up, even if it’s just in the form of commenting on a blog post, when something offensive is said.

And I also don’t think it’s fair to get on BGLH’s case for posting this story. She’s been a John Mayer fan for some years, so perhaps this struck closer to home for her. If she gets up every damn day to give us interesting pictures and discussions on this blog (that, mind you, you won’t find anywhere else!) I think you can give her a pass on ONE topic that you consider a nonissue.

Sheesh.

Sharisse 12 February 2010 at 8:37 pm Permalink

I’ve never been a big fan of his. I don’t really care for his music so I guess I wasn’t particularly hurt by his ignorant comment. It takes a certain kind of man to go against social conditioning. I personally don’t want a man who isn’t strong enough to love the natural beauty of a black woman. His loss.

Freewheeling_Girl 12 February 2010 at 8:41 pm Permalink

As a Black woman, Mayer’s comments do sting. I’d be more hurt by Mayer’s comments; however, if I didn’t already think he was an untalented hack. I’ve always thought Mayer was a poseur, a spaz. I just never got why people connected with his mediocre music so much. Mayer always struck me as a phony. Rick Astley, (who I can’t stand, by the way), has more soul and originality than he does.

I truly feel sorry for the Black female fans that thought that Mayer was special, only to find out that he was the asshole I always believed him to be.

Mayer’s philosophy is a separate-but-equal colors of “Benetton”. Yep, he collaborates with African-American artists, only to up the popularity and “cool” factor of his own crap music. Surrounding himself with black artists to make himself seem like he’s hip, socially conscious, and “aware”. Please.

Mayer’s a bigot, a homophobe, a misogynist and a liar. Yeah, his teeny-weeny white-supremacist David-Duke d#ck is only sexually attracted to white women. Big deal. Judging by the way he Tweets about them, and treats them like trash, he obviously doesn’t like white women very much either. He even made out with gossip columnist Perez Hilton and lied about it.

I get tired of the whiny, tearful mea culpas of people like John Mayer. He meant what he said about black women, and there are thousands like Mayer. He couldn’t keep up the mask because I believe he was high or drunk when the truth came out. Next time, maybe he should lay off the drugs before doing another interview.

Thank God I don’t own any Mayer cds, never have, never will. Others should just dump their Mayer music or boycott any subsequent cds.

Patricia 12 February 2010 at 8:42 pm Permalink

I’ve read all..well most of these comments and a bit about the incident and I’ve come to a few conclusions.

John Mayer likes to make dickish comments to keep his name in the media.
Black Women should NOT take it personally
I won’t be buying any more music from him

That’s all..Next Topic

ayanna 12 February 2010 at 9:16 pm Permalink

Ok, for those people trying to contrast and parallel this with the interracial post, the difference is I thought it was understood (within that post) that white men are NOT dating us black women in droves. Capiche? Ergo, even the natural black sistas that have snagged one–it’s understood to be relative to what GENERALLY transpires with cross-racial and cross-cultural dating. I think we can all agree with that. Ask them, I bet even THOSE white men KNOW that they’re going against the grain so to speak? And WHY IS THAT you think? And where do you think that is rooted, this notion of the black woman being undesirable? It’s not in the black woman’s imgination. So, actually by extension that post is NOT an exception, in fact it all segues perfectly into John Mayer and his “white supremacist” dick.

People need to understand that so-called preference is NOT this absolute, organic, untainted sensibility. Attraction and desirability and who we perceive to be so are informed by a multitude of social, cultural, historical, racial etc. etc. factors. Some conscious, some more subliminal. Why is that impossible for some folks to grasp and honestly grapple with?! Yes, your preferences and mine are! You cannot divorce desire and attraction from those factors. It’s impossible. We are of this world. Not ephemeral beings floating out of context with anything.

Not dating someone, or deeming them unattractive SOLELY by race IS A RACIAL preference. Race is a construct, how the hell does that mean you can never vibes with or connect with X person based on that FIRST and foremost? And yes, it is painfully skewered. Nothing more or less. I am honest about it with myself, I KNOW I have a racial preference for black men–now. I have dated white men before when I was younger. I know that my preference is rooted somewhere–it is not organic or totally by accident. And it is largely informed by my experiences of being a black woman, it is not a knee-jerk response or an accidental imperative.

The other difference with people trying to easily reverse stuff: “whiteness” as a racial construct in THIS country for someone born and raised here means something very, very different from a person of color born and raised here. From the poc standpoint: they have less leeway with how to negotiate that frame of race in the world and any negotiating AROUND that frame, so when I hear people use the that black person only dates black people as an equal example: it’s NOT the same thing.

That said, people are liable to have issues with racial preferencial leanings, especially the ones continuously LEFT OUT over and over and over: someone said well what if John Mayer had said he only dated black women–well what if he had? That would have been news and shocking for a DIFFERENT reason. And WHY? Honestly now: BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD EXPECT THAT.

And WHY would NO ONE EXPECT THAT? Well answer that and you have why some black women are hurt and infuriated by his soapbox vitriol. No one likes being picked last for the team incessantly–it’s just not a nice feeling. We’re human. We feel. It sucks sometimes.

I don’t know if the story would have had legs the same way otherwise but implicit in his comment plus all the hordes of folks all over the net eagerly supporting his *cough cough* preference, is a tacit agreement of sorts of his “preference”: like duh what do you black women expect. And THAT tacit agreement, that known-unknown understanding beneath that we ALL get on SOME level is hurtful for some black women and those that do are allowed to feel that way! Anyone who doesn’t get it is surely missing neon-bright signs of interconnections.

And black women WE are beautiful. Keep ya heads up.

Deborah 12 February 2010 at 9:28 pm Permalink

I really don’t have problem with what he says and yes, I still going to listen to his music. I see not difference than with the other thread about white men. Most of y’all sound schizophrenic. SMH.

Msnappy 12 February 2010 at 9:30 pm Permalink

Ayanna- I disagree with you. I am 38 years old and I can honestly say I have dated every single race. I have NEVER had a problem “snagging” a white man. I am married to a white man and I persued him. He is so HAWT!! I mena seriously, he only dated blondes before me and once he got a good dose of all this beautiful blackness, he was hooked. I don’t go for the nerdy, hillbilly or shabby type of guy. I like the ones that knows he can pretty much have whomever he wants. I am that confident. I really do feel that by embracing the notion that society sees you as the least desirable of any race will hinder you. How could it not? When I walk out the door, I have the mindset that all eyes will be on me b/c I look FAB. I believe that confidence is attractive. If I left my husband tomorrow, I would have no problem getting another man of ANY color. Are there men that are not attracted to me? Of course, but that is their loss!

Nala 12 February 2010 at 9:35 pm Permalink

@Msnappy…

Yes, black women are viewed as less desirable.

I think that ATTRACTIVE black women — your Kerry Washington’s (as Mr. Mayer mentioned), Gabrielle Unions, Halle Berry’s etc — as well as attractive everyday black women can have their pick of men. That is certainly true.

But think of the odds of an average looking/unattractive black women getting married versus an average looking/unattractive white women. The odds are greatly increased because, even in a state of plainness, white women are generally considered the standard of beauty.

Until you’ve heard the stories of black women who are CHRONICALLY single — not because they’re not open-minded, not because they’re not kind and sweet — but because they perpetually find themselves in situations where they’re not considered desirable, PLEASE don’t use your experience as a standard.

You might be more attractive than most black women. And that’s great. But your experience is exceptional, not common.

Anonymous 12 February 2010 at 9:37 pm Permalink

WM don’t date/marry BW to a large extent. The statics prove this. Why is it if we’re not the object of every races’ (or in this case white man’s) affection or even considered attractive we lose our minds. BM date BW and find us highly attractive. But that doesn’t seem to be enough for us. Not everyone like finds BW attractive. I know I don’t find WM attractive. We really need to get over ourselves.

P.S. Why is that John Mayer is a talentless hack but not Beyonce? I swear if she didn’t have catchy beats she’d be back in Texas working minimum wage. Lawd knows she can’t sing.

Nala 12 February 2010 at 9:38 pm Permalink

@Msnappy…

And I don’t think it’s paranoid or breeding insecurity for black women to state the obvious — that we ARE considered to be at the lower end of the scale, attraction wise.

I live in the Midwest and if you pulled 20 random men off the street, I ASSURE you that black women wouldn’t be at the top of their attractiveness list.

That’s why I think blogs like these are so important. Our culture is so damn eurocentric. We really need to become familiar with another kind of beauty.

Oh and don’t even get me STARTED on the fact that a lot of the black women who are pursued by men of other races are often fairer skinned/slimmer than those who aren’t.

Ask yourself, when is the last time that you saw a fabulous dark-skinned plus sized woman on the arm of a white man? Exactly.

Freewheeling_Girl 12 February 2010 at 9:51 pm Permalink

Ask yourself, when is the last time that you saw a fabulous dark-skinned plus sized woman on the arm of a white man? Exactly

@Nala: here:
http://www.brownglasses.com/07102006

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