Reader Lanie submitted this amazing article from ChocolateHairVanillaCare.com. We’ve discussed the issue of “hair touching” before, but it’s great to hear a unique point of view.
Dear People Who Have, or May, Come Into Contact with My Daughter,
Thank you so much for your interest in my daughter’s hair. Yes, it is beautiful, we both appreciate your compliments. Yes, she’s very patient and has no problem sitting to have her hair done. She’s been getting her hair done since she was very small and knows of nothing else; her hair regime is a fact of life and she doesn’t see it as the burden that you do. Nor do I.
While asking me about my daughter’s hair, please do not start touching it. Just because I am a vanilla parent this does not mean that you have an “in” to touch chocolate hair for the first time. I have had too many people tell me, “Oooh, I’ve always wondered what their hair felt like,” while pawing my daughter. She’s not an animal, she’s a human being.
We teach our children that strangers touching them in inappropriate ways is wrong and that they should tell an adult immediately. In our opinion, anytime a child is touched by anyone who feels that they have a right to do so, against the child’s wishes and without the child’s permission, is inappropriate.
You see, every chocolate/jam/cheetos handprint on her hair from other children and/or adults is a mark on her dignity. She is small, but she does have personal space and a sense of self-worth. When you invade that space without her permission you are telling her that she has no rights to her body; that her desire to be left untouched is not as important as your curiosity.
Even if your hands are clean, they still leave a an invisible mark.
If you are sweet and kind enough to ask my daughter ahead of time if you can touch her hair, please do not be offended if she says, “No.” She is not being rude. She has no obligation to give the answer that you want. Her body is her own and if she does not want to share it with you at that moment, then please respect her rights. Don’t tell me that she’s being “disobedient” or “rude” or huff and walk away. In doing so, you are indirectly communicating that she owes you a piece of herself for no other reason than because you asked. She does not.
No, I do not do unique hairstyles for my daughter to attract your attention. I do them for her, to help foster a loving relationship with her natural hair so that she will grow up loving how God made her, hopefully minimizing any desire to alter herself to match someone else’s standard of beauty. Do not tell me that if I didn’t want her touched that I shouldn’t be doing all these hairstyles that say “look at me, touch me.” Do not blame the victim for your indiscretion or lack of self control.
If you are a teacher, please note that the first day of school is often very intimidating and making a really big deal about hair – on that day, or any day – while inviting other teachers and/or parents to come over to touch and finger-through a child’s head of hair, can be extremely overwhelming. Yes, she may be one of the few chocolate children at your school, but drawing so much attention to her will only highlight how different she is. Although I can address the issue with you while I’m present, I put my trust in you that you will protect my daughter throughout the day. Allowing classmates to put their hands in her hair or play with her beads is not only distracting to the class, it is also akin to hitting; it is a violation of my daughter’s person and I have to believe that you will do your best to keep this from happening. Just because it might not physically hurt her, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt her character.
I remember back in the days of being pregnant and how it used to bother me when strangers would come and touch my belly without my permission. I know that people struggle with holding back when their curiosity gets the best of them, but nevertheless it seemed only right to me that someone should ask before placing their hand(s) on my stomach.
But I am an adult. I have already formed my identity and self-worth and can hopefully express my discontent in constructive ways. Children are still learning about themselves in the world. They are not as certain of themselves, and if you cross a line they will often question the line, not you.
In conclusion, I pray that this letter is well-received, that those who may have done this in the past feel convicted and think twice before doing it again. For those who have never experienced chocolate hair, may it be a helpful insight into our beautiful world. For people who have recently welcomed a child with chocolate hair for the first time into your extended family, may you respect the child’s personal space and be kind and gentle with your questions and curiosities. For all, please remember that you are helping to shape the character of the adults of tomorrow; if we cannot respect the bodies of our children today, how can we expect them to respect themselves in the future?
Blessings,
Rory, Boo’s Mama
For more of Rory’s writings check out ChocolateHairVanillaCare.com. Ladies, what are your thoughts?
Excellent letter and well done. I have twin granddaughters who are of mixed parentage and it never fails that someone will want to “touch” their hair. I politely tell them no and they have been told to do the same.
Love the letter, could put no better. Simply great!
I am on the lookout for the site with the very best odds.
Umm…she’s also not a food. What’s with the vanilla and chocolate nonsense?
Why ignore the more important parts of the letter to highlight something so trivial?
omg shutup stop being so sensitive!!!
Hey Lina. I actually think it’s kinda cute that she refers to her child as “chocolate” and herself as “vanilla”. I know that some parents do this to prevent the children from seeing the difference in ethnicity. You know, to keep the innocence. Look at it like this, children love ice cream right? At a young age the flavor chocolate and vanilla are different but because they are both ice cream flavors, the child is liable to eat both of those flavors. The flavor no longer matters because it’s still ice cream at the end of the day. With her calling her daughter chocolate and calling herself vanilla, the child senses a difference but the fact that they’re both human , those differences don’t matter. Not to mention this is a mother daughter relationship so differences also go out the window because of the title.
Beautiful article by a mom with wonderful empathy for her child.
It touches my heart to see how one person can be changed at a time.
Wow great article, big up 2 u caring mama!
First of all, I would like to say, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You,….For making such a true statement. As an African American, all my life I have experienced people of other races being intrigued with Afro-textured hair, And I have no problem with that. However, when people take it upon themselves to want to touch or pet my hair like I’m some type of animal, or even go as far as asking me if my hair is “real”, I too find it equally as offensive. People actually appear to be insulted when you tell them, “No, you cannot touch my hair”,… Thank you for bringing this annoying action to people’s attention. When people of color are offended by obviously offensive behavior, we are accused of being “too sensitive”. I applaud the fact that you are able to tactfully address people’s ill-mannered actions, and possible give people something to think about.
that was the most eloquent statement i’ve ever read on the subject. i am biracial (read: light-skinned black woman) and both races were so intrigued with my hair as a child that i just let them put their hands in my hair. it caused a lot of confusion within me, and you put into words just how i felt – my private space had been invaded. thank you for being an awesome mom, i wish my Caucasian mother could’ve stuck around and been as strong as you.
This is so true. Unfortunatela I don’t really get this chocolate and vanilla thing. I always hated to be compared to all kinds of chocolate desserts by my all white family, classmates, teachers and neighbours. I never had the idea to compare their skin colours with cheese or raw chicken.
Ye Gods. I thought the ‘chocolate’ and ‘vanilla’ was LOVELY- the prettiest way of putting it. Because at the end of the day, skin colour is trivial. It really is, I mean think about it! We’re all people! I loved the way she used the flavours to describe it, because to me, that’s true to what we really are as a human beings: simply different flavours of the same substance. No need to get into ridiculous semantics, at the end of the day, this is a mother that loves her child and wants to make sure she receives the respect from others that she deserves when her mama isn’t able to be there. That she does these styles herself and with such care and dedication shows just how much she loves her little girl- my mother did no less for me, and if you want to be specific, my mother is caramel and I am milk chocolate. <3
To be fair Mitzi is talking about real feelings and how being called after food affected her so no one should make light of that, she is expressing her experience on a subject on which she has first hand experience. I did enjoy the piece and also understood where the author was coming from but calling her daughter chocolate? Pretty it may be but where is the dignity in that? With all due respects Rory cant have it both ways. She has a beautiful black child so why not simply say it like it is. It is political correctness going crazy. In schools they want children to know the proper names for their “private parts” so why not have the child growing up and celebrating her beautiful race. The piece is great, but its references to chocolate and vanilla reads more like a badly written children’s’ book than an article written for adults. At the end of the day, we do not know how this child is going to feel when she reaches young adulthood and reads of herself being referred to as a piece of food and not a person. I dont feel either Mitzi nor naturalgrl were being particularly pedantic but making a valid point on what brought down the tone (even a little) on such an important and touching subject matter.
But I bet if the mother had referred to her as “my black daughter” people would be offended to. They would ask, “Why can’t she just be referred to as HER daughter, why does she have to point out that she is black?”
What I am trying to point out is that people will see the wrong in small details without looking at the whole picture. There should be a line drawn when people should not weep over small things.
Besides isn’t she her skin similar to chocolate than it is closer to the actual color of black? Or when we go to the mall and instead of saying the pants are light brown we say, “camel” “tan” “khaki” they are all synonyms. So I definitely don’t see why she should be upset.
OMG thats my FaceBook Friend!!! That was sooo well put. I am sharing this article now. Very well said!
It’s perfect. It’s absolutely perfect. I remember growing kids wanted to touch my hair and I would get annoyed and say no. They’d say “what’s the big deal I don’t care if you touch mine?” And they would proceed to touch it as I slapped them… It was a process but they finally got it by the third grade or so.
Cute story. I like it
This is well said and lovely. I have been recently bothered by people (friends, family, teachers, strangers) petting my nearly-bald 1.5 year old’s head, I assume because she looks a bit like a little baby or it’s cute. With race curiosity not being a factor (as there isn’t really much of her thin, translucent blondish hair TO touch), I haven’t been able to put my finger on why this bothers me so much, but as I was reading this I came to realize that it’s because when she was a baby, it was fine: people touch baby’s little soft, sweet, baby smell-having head. Now that she’s a toddler with a messy face half the time and a penchant for breaking things, and something of a dirt and reclaimed trash connoisseur (she is the cutest super gross thing you’ll ever see), she’s starting to become more of her own person, and seeing people “pet” her feels a bit (and of course unintentionally) dehumanizing. My answer is a little simpler though: I just tell the head grabbers, “I’d watch out. You never know where that’s been.” They laugh, keep touching, and I look them dead in the eyes and flatly reiterate, “No, really.” :)
I appreciate this article, its always good to hear other perspectives! I have two mix race kids, one boy one girl, both with beautiful hair. People often ask to touch their hair, they usually come up and say how beautiful their hair is and they usually say to me “I just wish I could touch it” I tell them they are welcome to ask my child. Most often they don’t, they seem to feel strange asking so they just look. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I think most of the time people are truly curious about others, I know that’s true for me. If someone is from another country I want to know more, what’s it like, what language do they speak, etc… if someone practices a religion I’m unfamiliar with I want to know more, if someone is a quadriplegic I want to know what that’s like for them, how do they navigate life? I think its ok to want to know more, to understand, rather than pretend we have no differences, I think we should try to learn more! Yes we are all human, but we all have different experiences, so why not be curious? For many people, touching is the best way to learn, if someone is thinking “I wonder what their hair feels like?”I don’t think its wrong to ask. I do however agree that they should ask, and it is absolutely ok to say no.
Just my opinion.