Reader Lanie submitted this amazing article from ChocolateHairVanillaCare.com. We’ve discussed the issue of “hair touching” before, but it’s great to hear a unique point of view.
Dear People Who Have, or May, Come Into Contact with My Daughter,
Thank you so much for your interest in my daughter’s hair. Yes, it is beautiful, we both appreciate your compliments. Yes, she’s very patient and has no problem sitting to have her hair done. She’s been getting her hair done since she was very small and knows of nothing else; her hair regime is a fact of life and she doesn’t see it as the burden that you do. Nor do I.
While asking me about my daughter’s hair, please do not start touching it. Just because I am a vanilla parent this does not mean that you have an “in” to touch chocolate hair for the first time. I have had too many people tell me, “Oooh, I’ve always wondered what their hair felt like,” while pawing my daughter. She’s not an animal, she’s a human being.
We teach our children that strangers touching them in inappropriate ways is wrong and that they should tell an adult immediately. In our opinion, anytime a child is touched by anyone who feels that they have a right to do so, against the child’s wishes and without the child’s permission, is inappropriate.
You see, every chocolate/jam/cheetos handprint on her hair from other children and/or adults is a mark on her dignity. She is small, but she does have personal space and a sense of self-worth. When you invade that space without her permission you are telling her that she has no rights to her body; that her desire to be left untouched is not as important as your curiosity.
Even if your hands are clean, they still leave a an invisible mark.
If you are sweet and kind enough to ask my daughter ahead of time if you can touch her hair, please do not be offended if she says, “No.” She is not being rude. She has no obligation to give the answer that you want. Her body is her own and if she does not want to share it with you at that moment, then please respect her rights. Don’t tell me that she’s being “disobedient” or “rude” or huff and walk away. In doing so, you are indirectly communicating that she owes you a piece of herself for no other reason than because you asked. She does not.
No, I do not do unique hairstyles for my daughter to attract your attention. I do them for her, to help foster a loving relationship with her natural hair so that she will grow up loving how God made her, hopefully minimizing any desire to alter herself to match someone else’s standard of beauty. Do not tell me that if I didn’t want her touched that I shouldn’t be doing all these hairstyles that say “look at me, touch me.” Do not blame the victim for your indiscretion or lack of self control.
If you are a teacher, please note that the first day of school is often very intimidating and making a really big deal about hair – on that day, or any day – while inviting other teachers and/or parents to come over to touch and finger-through a child’s head of hair, can be extremely overwhelming. Yes, she may be one of the few chocolate children at your school, but drawing so much attention to her will only highlight how different she is. Although I can address the issue with you while I’m present, I put my trust in you that you will protect my daughter throughout the day. Allowing classmates to put their hands in her hair or play with her beads is not only distracting to the class, it is also akin to hitting; it is a violation of my daughter’s person and I have to believe that you will do your best to keep this from happening. Just because it might not physically hurt her, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt her character.
I remember back in the days of being pregnant and how it used to bother me when strangers would come and touch my belly without my permission. I know that people struggle with holding back when their curiosity gets the best of them, but nevertheless it seemed only right to me that someone should ask before placing their hand(s) on my stomach.
But I am an adult. I have already formed my identity and self-worth and can hopefully express my discontent in constructive ways. Children are still learning about themselves in the world. They are not as certain of themselves, and if you cross a line they will often question the line, not you.
In conclusion, I pray that this letter is well-received, that those who may have done this in the past feel convicted and think twice before doing it again. For those who have never experienced chocolate hair, may it be a helpful insight into our beautiful world. For people who have recently welcomed a child with chocolate hair for the first time into your extended family, may you respect the child’s personal space and be kind and gentle with your questions and curiosities. For all, please remember that you are helping to shape the character of the adults of tomorrow; if we cannot respect the bodies of our children today, how can we expect them to respect themselves in the future?
Blessings,
Rory, Boo’s Mama
For more of Rory’s writings check out ChocolateHairVanillaCare.com. Ladies, what are your thoughts?
“Chocolate” hair?? Really??
Right! Was I the only one who was offended by all the chocolates and Vanilla comments? And please don’t tell me this poor child’s name is boo? Other than that I agree, she just could have used better words.
If u go to her website (i follow her), you’ll see she’s a loving mother who truly cherishes her daughter. Try not to judge her, because race aside, you would give her props for how amazing she is. And we all have nicknames for our kids – why should she be any different?
I think she calls her child Boo to protect her identify as much as she can given the public nature of her blog, which i think is the appropriate and responsible thing to do in this day in age
I guess I don’t see what the problem with the term chocolate hair is. I call myself chocolate all the time and I think terms chocolate and vanilla to describe people are honestly cute. I guess everybody has their own opinion on it but I see no harm in it at all.
Love the term chocolate and vanilla.Some people need to get over themselves and get the real content of the mothers letter. There is no harm at all in the terms.
I agree I see NOTHING wrong with using the terms Chocolate and Vanilla.I think it is a rather cute and creative choice of words. If she was chocolate saying it would it still be a problem? Or if she had used the term nappy or kinky I guess you would still be offended even though we as naturals use it all of the time.But because she is Vanilla it’s a problem. People please!!!! I agree with Sonya get over yourselves and get the point that the letter was trying to make she obviously is loving mother stressing the concern for the disrespect that her daughter is enduring being one of the few black children in an predominantly white school but forget the fact that she is standing up for that. rather judge her over the way she worded a letter..smh
@CessCurls I find referring to ppl as chocolate quite creepy and I do not like it regardless of the color of the person doing it. All this chocolate vanilla referencing is annoying. PPL always trying to go out of their way to make themselves feel special. However, I am not hung up on ppl touching children’s hair. If anyone needs to get OVER anything it’s nappy headed women thinking that the world has to kowtow to their sensitivities. Touching one’s hair is not the same as touching someone’s pregnant belly without permission. If you feel dehumanized because someone touches your hair, then you have issues. Wear a hat.
Regardless of the point of this letter, ppl are entitled to their opinion regarding it and don’t need to be attacked for expressing that view. PPL who don’t understand that need to get over themselves. Period.
@Strawberry – I’d say using the word dehumanized is extreme, but for me at least, it’s not about people touching my hair, it’s about people touching *me* without asking. I do not like strangers touching ANY part of me – my arm, my hair, my hand, my leg, etc without some kind of inquiry or introduction and my consent. Would you get offended if someone randomly walked up to you, stroked your cheek and told you that your skin looked really silky and soft?
Re: use of the word chocolate – ultimately, it depends on whom it is coming from. If I know the person and can trust that they are using it as a term of endearment, fine (my friends and I have all sorts of “special” nicknames for one another). But random folks? No. I understand both sides.
Sorry, Strawberry but touching one’s pregnant belly is the same as touching one’s hair. They are both parts of a person’s body and a stranger should not touch anyone in a familiar way. I don’t think that showing respect for someone’s personal space is kowtowing to sensitivities in any way. I don’t go around touhcing white women’s hair because the texture is different from mine and I’m sure if I did, there would be consequences. And, “Wear a hat”? are you listening to yourself? So, she shoudl send her kid to school with a hat on everyday to hide her uniqueness.This is the same line of thought that people use to justify harassing/raping women who wear certain clothes. “If you don’t want a man to harass/touch you inappropriately, wear a mumu or a burka.”
I guess you have a right to be wrong.
“I find referring to ppl as chocolate quite creepy”.
Says the person by the name of Strawberry. Your last point strikes me as very ignorant. Just how you said that people who feel dehumanized when someone touches their hair should wear a hat, someone could say that women who feel dehumanized when people touch their pregnant bodies should just stay home. The overall message is to not disrespect people by touching them if they don’t want to be touched. You are not entitled to touch my hair or body without permission.
+1 LOL @ “Says the person by the name of Strawberry.” People are so quick to judge others but are totally blind to their own issues. Well I find referring to oneself as strawberry quite creepy.
Says the person by the name of Strawberry…LOL, Well played W, well played.
@Strawberry
“If anyone needs to get OVER anything it’s nappy headed women thinking that the world has to kowtow to their sensitivities.”
Was it really necessary to refer to natural women as nappy headed women? Really? So sensitive.
And referring to people as chocolate or vanilla is no big deal, especially since Ms. Rory has adopted a Black child, which she loves and adores.
It’s patronizing regardless of who it’s coming from. Why do people have such a problem with saying black and white?
It’s mildly annoying how people want to “cuten” everything up to make it more palatable.
However, there are so many other things to be thinking about regarding race, the chocolate/vanilla references are defintely at the bottom of the list of concerns (for me at least).
Well that’s my entire point – depending on who it’s coming from, it’s not a substitute for saying black or white. If we are having a conversation about race or someone is referring to my race, they would have no issue calling me black. In some cases, it’s just being silly and something to call someone. For instance, my lab partner in high school was white, and rather than peaches n’ cream, we called ourselves (va)nilla n’ cream – we were being silly because every week we had to go to this random lake and test water – we had a song and everything. It wouldn’t have been nearly as funny if we just said black and white. Sometimes it’s just not that deep.
“If we are having a conversation about race or someone is referring to my race, they would have no issue calling me black.”
Aaaaaand this mother is having a conversation about her child’s race and something very particular to black females in regards to our hair. Her blog deals with race relations to a significant extent.
Anywho, I’m not about to write an angry email to the woman or file a complaint with the Bureau of Offended Negroes. It’s only a mild annoyance.
Her letter is on point though, at least she took the time to write this out and it does address the issue eloquently. I probably would’ve just said “Touch my daughter’s hair or violate her space and I’ll punch you through the skull”.
I don’t have a problem with the chocolate and vanilla language. When my son was small, he corrected me when I would refer to someone as black or white. In his eyes, he was brown, some people were golden, some people pink, some maple, etc. Kids come up with their own ways of referring to themselves. Who knows maybe this is how her child sees herself and her family?
That’s how my son and I are. We don’t refer to people as white or black. People are people and when we describe them we may say golden, chocolate, peanut butter, butter, vanilla. It makes since for his 5 year old brain, plus, I don’t want to raise my son to be hung up on race.
I think this mother and her daughter are beautiful and I wish them nothing but much peace and blessings.
I kinda like Chocolate hair. When it comes to identity I think that it is important that we give people space for that to develop, however it may. My little cousins are biracial and they refer to themselves as Panda (Black and White). I think it is cute and fun. We don’t know what kind of conversations that she has with her daughter around “race” and if that is their language at this point then so be it.
WELL SAID!!!!! I’d love to meet this lady!
Yes…tell that one Vanilla Momma…so very well articulated…indeed
very well said…
Thank you for standing up for your daughter. She is blessed to have you for a mother. Her hair is just that–her hair!
Alright! ALRIGHT! Three cheers for an AWESOME mom! I can’t imagine what will happen when I have children and have to deal with this issue! Although I can tend to be VERY direct if need be, and you having written this letter shows how kind and patient you are. :) Me on the other hand, not so much! LOL!
I love the way you addressed this letter. I have had natural hair for seven years now. For six of those years I had dread-locs. I took my locs down one year ago and people seem to be so in awe of my loose natural hair. I understand their intrigue, but think it is extremely rude for people to touch my hair without my permission; especially in the work place! Thanks a bunch for voicing what so many of us think.
I loved the chocolate and vanilla stuff. This momma is right, people really got to start watching their manners. When I was a kid my mom drilled it into me that no one’s hands other than her should be put in my head. And I lived by those rules. I’m starting to think that Etiquette classes should be mandatory in highschool and college. Some people need to learn some respect.
It needs to go much further than that – Should start with adults who do not acknowledge boundaries, or think nothing about coming up to a random stranger and going through their head like they lost something in there. pathetic isn’t it?
Reading, I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. I am 21 years of age and only natural for 2. I don’t have a problem with people touching my hair (when asked)but, for some reason, only guys will ask and girls will just reach for my hair. I just find it odd… I have one friend (who is a female) that will touch my hair every time see see it! It’s really annoying! SO people… Keep your hands to yourself… PLEASE AND THANK YOU! :)
Love the mother’s letter, but tired of white folks adopting our children.
@ Indeed – if you are tired of white folks adopting our children then you should adopt if you haven’t already and encourage our community to do the same. Thank God this little girl has a mother that cares and loves her. She could be in foster care…
Thank you Jas! My words exactly….
I totally agree, if we don’t want “them” adopting us we need to do better by us, by our children, by our communities. I think that any mother/family is better than foster care or the streets, and obviously this mother has done the best a white person can do (let’s face it these issues are hard enough for many black people to get straight in their heads), so let us look at the bigger picture of blacks taking care of their communities better, of society as a whole getting healtheir, of the foster care system and how messed up it is, at how black people should and could be doing more to pull each other up–rather than attacking any individual who is well meaning…yes possibly misguided..but still well meaning. it is bigger than this one who who was trying to do the right thing..how many black people don’t even try…let’s be real. and yes some of us are so down and out we dont even know where to begin…but a lot of us get educated, get rich, and turn our backs on the rest of our people/our communities.
I agree 100%.If black folks don’t step up in large enough numbers to adopt these kids,then let there be transracial adoptions.Kids need a loving family no matter what color. White folks can & do raise black kids…both biological & adopted…. & do a good job.Prime example….PRESIDENT OBAMA !!!
+1
I agree with you Indeed… I am tired of it too… I don’t have kids, and my plan is to adopt whether I ever get married and have kids or not. But that speaks to a bigger issue in our community that young ladies and women today are so damn loose with their vaginas that if the kids ain’t getting aborted then we are just giving them away… we need more proper birth control methods in our community. Funny how white and asian babies are never available for adoption and everybody else’s kids are flooding the foster care system. I have yet to see a black couple or person walking around with a white baby that they aren’t being paid to care for…its a damn shame. And we as a people ought to be shamed… so many died being stolen here and we have the nerve to just throw away our seeds like trash.
AMEN!
so from this comment, I gather…you think this little girl would be better off having never been conceived than she is now, alive and beautiful and being raised by a mother who loves her? That’s so sad. Here we have a mother who wanted to adopt a child and turned to the many black children in need of homes in this country instead of looking for a white or asian child overseas because, lucky for “boo”, her mom WASNT completely turned off by the ignorant reactions she knew she would get from most people in this country (of every color).
You’re right that there are lots more black children up for adoption in the US than there are white or asian children, but it’s not because we’re the only ones who give our kids up; it’s also because we don’t do much adoption, and our kids are often the last ones people in other communities want to adopt. Comments like yours and Indeed’s are so counter-productive; tired of white folks adopting “our” children? Whose child was she when she had no home and no parents? Where were you or I then? Do you think there were black families beating down the door to adopt this little girl, but some racist social worker gave her to the white woman instead? PLEASE. A child did not have a home, and now she does. Now she is loved. And that is a reason to rejoice. If it also inspires you to do your own adopting, that’s even more beautiful; I plan to do the same. But our acts don’t need to undermine and belittle the act of love that happened here; they add to it.
and (2) I’m just curious why women’s loose vaginas are the sole culprit of this black baby surplus you complain about, when I’m pretty sure each of those women needed the cooperation of an equally loose penis to get pregnant in the first place. As long as we act like the “problem” of unplanned pregnancy can be solved by addressing just half of the equation, we’re gonna be stuck in the same spot. I think the whole “men are gonna be men, but women have to aspire to a higher standard and resist” argument is pretty tired and should be laid to rest.
There are lots of social, cultural and economic reasons why our “unplanned” children end up without homes so much more often than the “unplanned” children of other people…and that’s worth talking about and working on and taking personal action to change. But we gotta start from a place that considers the whole picture, respects love and doesn’t see a happy child as anything other than a success.
@justme
I couldn’t have said it better :)
@ Just me- Perfectly stated :)
I agree with your overall point, but I want to correct a misperception that black folks don’t adopt. The number of black children in the system would be much more if not for the many black family members that step in to take kids before they get there. Also black people adopt and foster black children more than any other group.
This seems to be one of the lines of thinking that keep going despite evidence to the contrary.
Thanks a lot for that info, Emme. It’s very good and encouraging to hear. Do you know a good place to find stats on that? I’d love to be able to enlighten other people (the way you have enlightened me) and a source always makes that easier.
I need to dig it up. I will use this week and the weekend to find it. It was one of those articles you read and are pleased about, but forget to save. It seems so intuitive I felt stupid not knowing it. Of course, black people foster and adopt black children at higher numbers than any group. I think the article specifically mentioned the high numbers of black grandmothers that take in their grandkids. I’ll dig for it.
[Another article/data I need to post is the one that showed black people (black immigrants specifically) are the most educated group in America. Yup, believe it or not black folks have a high percentage of educated people than even Asian immigrants and Asians. All the people on this thread willing to jump on black people as the worst people in this world will be shocked to know this. http://www.jstor.org/pss/2963153.
Slaps @justme a high five! People try to make things so “black and white” (no pun intended). Open up your minds and your hearts and look at the big picture here. This child’s mother appears to be doing a damn good job!
THANK YOU!
“I’m just curious why women’s loose vaginas are the sole culprit of this black baby surplus you complain about, when I’m pretty sure each of those women needed the cooperation of an equally loose penis to get pregnant in the first place.”
Loose vaginas and penises!! Oh my. LOL.
Paige,
I wish people would stop being PC about this. What do you think the reaction would be if Black folks starting adopting white kids en masse? Do you even think it would be allowed!?
Did you know until the late 1970s it was advised that whites not adopt black kids due to the psychological and emotional consequences? Many African-American psychologists and social workers have not changed that professional opinion, even in 2011. These white parents often have no black friends or relatives, nary a clue about the African American experience. They receive no training and just may do a smidgen of research – and then they bring home a black child under the belief they are equipped to rear it with all the challenges we face in this society? I know one white woman with a black son; she says she’s not worried about the racial implications he may face later because today most people think he’s “just biracial because he has curly hair.”
Really?
Another white woman at my gym parades her adopted black daughter around like a toy dog, letting everyone pet her and play in her hair. She saunters around the place for no good reason, child in tow, silently seeking looks and curiousity and interest.
Sick.
Did you know white Europeans used to buy black children and keep them as “pets” in the 1400s-1600s? It was all the rage then, as it has become now. This whole movement is so reminiscent of it, and I just cannot get with it.
As for me, I already have my own biological kids. BUT I have been thinking about and looking into adoption seriously lately.
What a sick and fractured people we must be to reproduce and there is not even a relative, a kinship provider, who will step in to keep our kids! That they just wind up in the system, aging out, or in white people’s homes. How sick that we no longer blink at nearly 80 percent of black kids being born to single mothers, scared to call people on their poor choices, because it’s not politically correct?
It has nothing to do with being politically correct, but everything to do with putting your money where your mouth is. Your whole argument is pointless!!! Until we fix the broken in our communities that resulted in these kids ending up in the system (which I can guarrantee you is cruel and has no soul), then we should embrace anyone who is willing to give them a home. Should we correct them when they err? yes, but let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water.
@EG, I concur.
@Indeed you get no credit for considering adoption because there are people who are actually doing it. Your argument does not pertain to this mother writing the open letter. Secondly, this mother does not want her child treated like a pet and care for her and wants her to appreciate her natural beauty unlike the Europeans you reference from the 1600s.
Why are some of us so bent on denigrating the black community?
Yes, there are some serious problems within our community, but has anyone seen Jerry Springer, Dr. Phil, or Maury? I see the exact same problems across “White”, “Black”,”Pacific Islander”, “Native American” and “Hispanic/Latino” communities. And if pop culture is not your thing, just check the U.S.Census community surveys or any government or non-profit population data set. Talk about poor choices- but as all things, we must put these “poor choices” in the proper socioeconomic-historical context. Furthermore, poor choices are often a part of life-some rebound and some don’t. I certainly know and am not ashamed to admit I’ve made plenty of bad choices! Lawd knows I have!!! The difference is, I had the social support, finacial means, education, and self-worth to bounce back. You’ve never heard the saying “If not for the Grace of God there goes me?”
We may have these extra hurdles owing to these protracted and damaging stupid classifications of “race”, but let’s not get it twisted.
My family is made up of many black adopted children. I work with black communities and black individuals who are out their pounding the pavement advocating, educating, and loving our people.
Sadly what I think the problem is, is that many Black Americans have swallowed the racist stereotypes and bull crap that so many other non-blacks may believe. I know it’s hard for many to unchain themselves considering our eurocentric educational system and society, but we are not just what you see on the news or what one may see from a finite perspective.
For example, Black men who have had children in a marriage and are now divorced spend more time with their offspring than white males. Blacks are also more likely to adopt or care for a familial offspring and are even more likely to welcome into their homes and care for fictive kin. We are also more likely to provide care for a sick elder versus placing the elder in institutional care when compared to whites.
I believe that instead of griping and uttering the same BS we here from non-informed whites, get out there and help those in need. I for one applaud this woman and her husband for stepping out of the American box of “shoulds” and following their hearts.
We are not a seperate species-we are human. Let’s wisely advance the human agenda not this antiquated separatists rhetoric.
Thank you for this. I am so sick and tired of the ‘black people this’ and ‘black people that’ rhetoric on these so-called progressive sites. It is never anything positive.
‘Sadly what I think the problem is, is that many Black Americans have swallowed the racist stereotypes and bull crap that so many other non-blacks may believe. I know it’s hard for many to unchain themselves considering our eurocentric educational system and society, but we are not just what you see on the news or what one may see from a finite perspective.’
That paragraph really sums it up. Black people do adopt and foster black kids more than any other group. Black people also step in and take kids before they get into the system. Does anyone remember the woman from Chicago that was featured on the Oprah show that took in 8 kids from her various siblings? Is she not a black person? I am so done with these people.
Black people adopt more than any other group? You care to back that up? And please don’t point to the post above because what she said is we are more likely to adopt another family member, and given how many grandparents are raising their grandkids (which is more likely what she is talking about) because the parent are in jail, that is nothing to brag about. Show me statistics that show that we are just as likely to adopt kids who are not related to us, then we will talk.
Black people adopt, formally or informally, black kids in higher numbers than any other group. They ‘adopt’ kids before they ever get into the system.
Whites are also more likely to adopt a white disabled child than a healthy black child. I have to get back to my laptop to search for the article and will post the link once I find it.
Indeed,
I am 25, black and adopted by a white family (adopted when I was a few days old). Why do you be productive about this and find an initiative that educates white families on raising black children? Maybe you should say something to the mother at the gym. I just wonder how people like you treat adoptees. Keep in mind that when you say these things you’re offending my (and many other peoples’) families.
Also, don’t forget that many of these historical events that you allude to are simply that – history.
“Young ladies and women today are so damn loose with their vaginas that if the kids ain’t getting aborted then we are just giving them away…”
Speak for yourself. And next time, blame the men AND the women.
We won’t even adopt and care for our own kids. Why should we be up in arms because somebody else wants to love them? I think you should be able to adopt whatever child you want to. I wish somebody would give me side eye if I adopted a child who isn’t Black just because I am Black. The same way I’m not giving side eye to people who aren’t Black adopting Black children. It’s sad that in 2011 people have these kind of hang ups. I guess my head is in the clouds thinking people can regard each other as people and see past the color issues.
‘We won’t even adopt and care for our own kids.’
@ Meisha i’d have to disagree.
there are blacks who adopt blacks kids, as well as other kids from different ethnic groups. DeMarcus Ware an NFL player adopted a white baby girl with his wife in 2008 i believe. if he wasnt known it probably wouldnt have made news.
i too don’t think that anyone should be up in arms when a white couple adopts a black child. and I also think that anyone should be able to adopt any child they want, but the fact of the matter is that in the U.S there are many black babies and children wanting to be adopting, than whites. this doesn’t make it impossible to adopt whites, but the process does take longer.
there are blacks stepping it up and raising kids that arent biologically theirs.
waiting to be adopted*
The baby was light skinned yes but she was Hispanic not white.
I guess I might be a little naive….No, I’m not. Have u ever considered the fact that this might be her biological daughter? I didn’t read that she was adopted…and u can’t say it’s obvious. For the simple fact, I know a few bi-racial children who look similar to this little girl. I know a girl whose BIOLOGICAL Mother is white, and Daddy is black…and the little girl LOOKS absolutely NOTHING like her mother. I just want to put that out there. It’s not always about the looks…but everything about the DNA.
From her blog – As a computer geek, and former motorcycle-riding tomboy, it would never have occurred to me that I would be writing about such girly things as hair care. Yet here I am, the adoptive mother to a lovely little African American girl who joined our family in 2007 at a mere six days old, fully immersed in hair products, beads, and bows! (For our adoption story, see The Very Long Story of a Very Short Adoption Process.) I’ve been blessed with wonderful people who have held my hand through the early days of learning to care for my daughter’s hair, and enjoy nothing more than sharing my experiences with others as my way of giving back.
*Note: I see nothing wrong with white folks adopting black children. At least someone is.*
+1 and having been in the foster care system myself, not only “at least someone” is, but that “someone” is loving and caring enough to research and blog about the one thing that most black people are still insecure about – hair. I wish my birth mother had that much diligence towards taking care of me.
Well said. It’s never good enough for some. :-/
Don’t pay attention to the negative comments, some of us believe in putting our KIDS, ahead of some fake pride first. I say fake because how much pride can you have in our community if you would rather see kids in the streets instead of in a loving home?
BTW, I have heard from African-Americans who work in the adoptive system and as social workers that systemically, it is a racially plagued process. Qualified black couples who want to adopt, I’ve been told, undergo more scrutiny and face delays that whites do not.
Has anyone noticed that white folks are walking around with all the young (under age 3) black kids who have been up for adoption, but the older black kids are clogged up in the system? How come black couples face more blockades in accessing these black kids who are up for adoption while they are in their formative years?
Two can play that game. I have friends who are in the field as well, and what they will tell you is that our community frowns upon adoption. Many black families want their ‘own’ child, or they feel that older kids are more of a hassle (I refuse to say damaged). That is why older kids block up the system.
I too am looking to adopt, and I am a rarity in my circle. I have friends with money who won’t adopt because their moms told them that they would not consider the child their ‘grandchild’….THAT is why our kids clog up the foster care system. A dinosaur mindset that keeps us from embracing anyone who is not biologicaly related to us. Don’t even get me started on the term step-child.
Having been a foster mother, adopted children, and in foster care, I can speak from many viewpoints. I’ve had more black children in and out of my house than I care to mention. All they wanted was a home filled with love, kindness, and patience. They didn’t care about skin color. A few of the children stayed with me from birth onward. They were deemed ‘unadoptable’ according to the social worker b/c of drug exposure – black adopters weren’t beating down my down. I adopted them. We may have a few challenges, but that is due to being preteens and teens – not the drugs. For the most part, they are all academically, socially, and behaviorally sound. They might not all attend an Ivy League school but they will go on to college.
When I was in foster care, my foster mother and father were black. It was a very loving home, but after what I had been through I didn’t care if they were purple. I had a home – a refuge. My experience with knowing how it felt to be unwanted led me to only want to adopt. I realized that their are a enough children right here who want love without me having to have more. That’s not for everyone, but for me I didn’t feel this undying need to produce children. I just have an undying need to provide a home filled with love, patience, and understanding for the kids already here.
Thank you, I never went through the system, but I’ve heard stories, all that matters to a child is that they are wanted and made to feel loved.
@EG:
Bing bing bing bing bing!!! You are exactly right. Too many Black people do not believe in adoption. I noticed on several Black blogs that when the discussion of topic of adoptions came up, it was denigrated as why should I take care of Pookie and Shenequa’s unwanted children?
That’s why so many Black children are with White families.
I was thinking the same thing… after all, the mother talked about being pregnant.
Yeah, white people need to stop adopting black children. Instead of being in a loving home with a white mother, she would be better off in the foster care system! Because we all know how much better their lives will be, bouncing from home to home. Indeed, you are a JOKE.
I get it, but for the sake of those who don’t or may read this comment after I did, you are being tongue-in-cheek, right? I thought so.
….WOW.
“Our children”? She didn’t adopt my child. He’s at school right now and I will be picking him up this afternoon and taking him home with me.
So what if a green man from Mars adopts a child in need of a home and love. Perhaps if “we” stopped having children “we” can’t and won’t take care of then “they” wouldn’t have to adopt them?
Amen Angie. It’s a shame that the comments bring up the adoptive mother’s race as if it is a bad thing. She should be commended.
Oh my lord, the hands I have had in my head! And it IS kinda awkward. As a kid or an adult. People were always touching my hair when I was little. When I was locked, people wanted to touch them.. Now as a loose natural, people STILL WANT TO TOUCH IT!!! I know people are curious about “different” types of hair but some control is a MUST! Just pouncing on someone’s head is just rude. LoL! Still, I see why people do it.
Jen
I’m glad this “vanilla care” mom can say what many “chocolate care” moms have been saying FOR YEARS and be so well received. Hrm. Well written, articulate, true to a T. But it’s a shame that no one has taken black mothers seriously and that this mother is being haled. Just playing devil’s advocate. But her daughter is beautiful and I can definitely admire that she’s teaching her daughter self pride.
I love this artilcle!! This is exactly how I felt growing up and even now..My daughter is mixed and people love to try to touch her face and hair, and being the mama bear I am I let them know don’t touch my child!! They look at me with a bewildered look and I look them straight in thier eyes…Do not touch my child, I teach her about strangers and how it’s NOT okay for people to touch you…I feel it’s rude and classless for a grown person to touch a kid they don’t know anyways…It is equally rude that before I went natural and I was still relaxing, people would put their hands in my hair to see if I had weave o.O Baybee nothing but the blood, because my first reaction is to slap the ish out of them…
Fantastic letter. I’m lucky. I’ve never really had that problem even when I had a huge afro back in the day…of course back in the late 60s-70s, people still had some degree of manners. They would ask to touch my hair & I’d say OK. Nowdays bad behavior & inappropriate language by both adults & kids are spotlighted & glorified in pop culture.
Love this!!! Glad there are good mothers out there .. especially multicultural mothers.
The letter was a bit long. But endearing and thoughtful. As for the adoption issues many people posted, Who cares what race adopts black children, as long as they are being adopted and given a better life. I have to say, that many every single one of my adopted friends are highly educated. Some of them have white parents, some have parents of other races, including black. The common factor is their parents were all professionals who adopted because they wanted to give children a better life. So if a white mother is gonna give her black adopted child a better life, a easier life, an education and most of all LOVE and ENCOURAGEMENT, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. We need to get over this race thing. Since when does having natural hair promote hatred of other races. I know this country was built on racism but why perpetuate it? Let it die and spend your time making the world a better place than you found it. God Bless.
This was an interesting article. I have to commend the mother for doing her homework on black hair. I have my reservations about her speaking on Boo’s privacy when it comes to hair while having her daughters pics on the net for all to see. I don’t think Boo is being given a choice as to whether she wants her image displayed for the world. This is just my humble opinion which might be biased due to our history of exploitation at the hands of Europeans. I hope Boo is learning about Black history and not just American slavery but our rich African ancestry. One day she’s grow up and have a natural desire to connect with her people. Her mother needs to prepare her for that as well.
It very well might be biased considering how many black mothers also plaster their kids images over the internet. Curly Nikki and Beads, Braids and Beyond are just two websites that come to mind initially.
What rich african ancestry? Are you african? do you know how to make any african meals? Have you been to the continent?? I HATE the whole “hopefully they are educationg our babies on our rich African ancestry… thats silly it doesn´t exist.
To you?
WOW…what a wonderfully written letter….bravo!
I am glad to see a vanilla mother actually combing her chocolate daughter’s hair. I have seen celebrities such as Heidi Klum, who seems not know how to brush nor comb her children’s hair. So, I am happy to see a women who is making sure she looks nice. And I applaude this mother for standing up for her daughter. She doesn’t want people to touch her daughter’s hair. I think she worded this letter in an articulate manner. I love it!!!!! Kudos to her mother.
Lol, right? Nothing wrong at all with interracial families, cross-racial adoption and what-have-you, as long as the children are cared for properly. Funny, there are tons who learn to care for kinky curly hair as a matter of course, but we usually hear about the ones who don’t. Maybe this mama should teach hair classes?
I loved the article, not because it came from a “white” person for a validation reference as someone mentioned because she highlighted something else that I have NEVER seen in reference to natural hair, which is by setting the protocol for what is and is not acceptable for curiosity ot etc sakes when it comes to her daughter’s body, that in return, her daughter will respect it as she grows up, and not allow simple things to mandate what and who can have access to her body, as she is being taught that through something as simple as hair care. Also someone mentioned that her mom is not respecting her privacy by having her image on the internet. If we saw this child with her mother with relaxed damaged dried out and broken hair with no edges, or some matted afro with a head band, we would shout abuse, and how she is tearing up this childs self esteem, and she isn’t loving her because she can’t even love her hair, what she has done in return is use her experience to teach other vanilla mothers about chocolate hair, so they won’t run out and by a kiddie perm and destroy something so cherished and beautiful. Plus a child growing up in a home where everyone else is white and your black, describing people like sweet flavors is much better than using words like black hair, when chocolate hair sounds so much better to a childs ears, let’s encourage anyone who wants any child to have self worth, dignity and self acceptance of who God made them to be, regardless of skin color.