by Tori

Before I started my hair journey, my relaxed hair was about shoulder length. After starting a healthy hair regimen, my hair quickly responded to the TLC and increased in length. Right before I decided to big chop, my hair was healthy and at bra strap length. With that being said, let me tell you the story of Mr. X, the guy I met who liked me for my hair.

I met Mr. X at an event I attended with family. We chatted for a while at the event and he asked me out on a date.  He seemed like a nice guy, so I figured why not. During our conversation, he complimented me on my hair several times and expressed his admiration for how long and beautiful it was. I was flattered since I wasn’t always used to getting compliments about my hair (particularly about the length). I was still transitioning during this time, but because it was a special event, I had decided to flat iron my hair. Mr. X and I seemed to have a lot in common and the first date went well.

Bonafidestyle Flat Ironed Transitioning Natural HairFlat Ironed Transitioning Hair

Well, about two weeks after meeting Mr. X, I randomly decided to big chop. I was excited about my newly natural hair, although, I had to get used to seeing myself with short natural hair. The next time I saw Mr. X, he seemed shocked. Even though I told him over the phone that had I cut my hair, I guess the ‘look’ still came as a surprise. He wanted to know what I was going to do with it and if I planned on relaxing it again. I told him I had no interest in relaxing again and I just wanted to grow it out naturally. He also told me that he never dated anyone with natural hair and expressed that he preferred a ‘silkier look’. The conversation about my hair was surprising. Did he really just say he liked a ‘silkier look’? Wow. Well, after that interaction, I heard from Mr. X less and less until eventually we no longer spoke.

Bonafidestyle Big Chop Natural Hair

Was I surprised that he lost ‘interest’ after I big chopped? A little. I have heard of guys who preferred their ladies with relaxed hair/weaves, but somehow I didn’t think those types of men really existed. I guess I was a little naïve. Either way, I’m glad I dodged that bullet called Mr. X. Any guy who is interested in me only because of my physical appearance (hair or otherwise) isn’t the type of guy I want to be with anyway. This was certainly an interesting experience.

 

Have you ever had a similar experience? Any guy ever expressed their dislike for your natural hair?

 

About Tori: I’m Tori, a Jamaican-born natural currently living in Texas. I was reunited with my natural texture in January 2012 when I big chopped, after transitioning for a year and a half. I am still learning about my natural hair, and hope to share the knowledge and experiences I gain as I continue on my natural hair journey. You can find me on Instagram @bonafidestyle.

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118 Comments on "True Life: He Only Dated Me for My Hair"

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Ubah Luar

Its a physical thing, he really liked yourhair. That was HIS first impresdion of you.
Later on he could get to know you better and see you for more than just long hair. Now cutting it has shocked him. From long to short is a huge diffetence.
Some men get over that fact some dont. He left…so he was not on that place in life to see the bigger picture (longer hair later on in life) and moved on.
So that a better man will come your way.

Ps my english is horrible so dont bash my comment.
Thank you:)

ShinyPinkNails
Every guy has preferences, when he asked you out you looked a certain way then you made a dramatic change, cause going natural will give you a dramatic change. Doesn’t mean he was a jerk and only looks at looks. You weren’t dating for a long time, and you changed doesn’t mean he isn’t ready for a serious relationship, you just wasn’t he’s type and he hasn’t established anything with you yet to stay around. It’s just life, don’t think he’s a jerk. Just like if you went in a date with someone and the next time they looks changed… Read more »
Lily

Yeah, I agree with this. I thought the article would be about you being in a long term relationship with a guy. This is someone you went out with one time.

Not saying jerks don’t exist, but it’s foul to paint him with that brush because he didn’t like how you look with short hair.

Felicia
Thank you for sharing your experience! I have also encountered this type of nonsensical reaction. The first time was about 18 years ago when I was in an a relationship with a Caucasian gentleman that had been deeply in love with me, or so I thought who wanted to marry me and adopt my children, etc. Well, I broke things off, hadn’t seen him for a couple of months, met him for lunch as friends with my hair braided versus my permed, should8 length bob and I was greeted with shock and disd2 and a “wow, I’ve never seen you… Read more »
Hmmm

That word “ethnic”…

Janine

Yes that word….have a friend whose daughter runs track. she was having problems with maintaining her hair due to all the sweating and what not ….I suggested braids and she told that would be too “ethnic”…hmmmmm

Latoya

I hate when people use the word “ethnic” to describe natural African features!

nappy headed black girl

I’ve never had a dude come straight out and say something but when I first stopped relaxing years ago one asked me if I was gonna keep my hair “like that” :-/

He was African and said women in his country only wear natural hair if they are young and don’t have a “real job” yet, the assumption being that once you mature you get your hurr did lol

Even as a newbie I wasn’t offended in the least. That’s his reality. Didn’t sway me *shrug*

Jacky

I’m so sorry that he left because of your hair.

You’re right, any guy who dates a girl only because of her physical appearance isn’t looking for a serious relationship. At most, he’s looking for a toy girl( female version of toy boy ), who he can show off to all his friends and later dump like yesterday’s news.

I’m glad that you didn’t go further into the relationship. There are better guys in the world… Guys that aren’t shallow and conceited.

maxine

I don’t think your comment is entirely accurate,your physical attributes is what people have to go by if they do not know you,so if a guy sees you and likes you he is going by what aesthetically pleases him.. failing that it becomes your personality.
But you have to remember women do this too-me included,
I have to be physically attracted to a person first and most people are like this too.

cacey
good point. men are especially known for being lured by the physical, and sometimes for sticking around in bad relationships because the girl is chick, and solely for that reason. my husband said that what drew him to talk to me in the first place was my legs. :/ once we started talkin he apparently was like “she’s a keeper” but if i’d not had some attention-grabbing attribute going for me there’s a good chance that 4 years in now we wouldn’t be married. but with that said, it seems the guy in this article was drawn to a particular… Read more »
maxine
HAHA You said it ,can’t tell you the amount of times I have seen guys get crapped on but still excuse the girl if good-looking To me in society ie.media, staight/flowy/long hair has always been denoted as sexy while afro/curly/short hair has always been frowned upon and seen as old-fashioned, masculine-in the sense that black men who have natural,short hair it is acceptable but when a black women has this type hair,shes described as boyish or too ethnic. Your husband sounds like a great man with a balanced mindset but most of the black men I know seem to like… Read more »
cacey

i meant, the girl is “cute” instead of chick. darn typo!

Jacky
You made a valid point. I understand that he left her because she didn’t fit his “type” anymore. But I still think that there’s something wrong in the mix. What if she had decided to transition to natural hair later on in the relationship? He sounds like the kind of guy who would’ve replied with a solid “NO” or left her for someone else who fits his type. That’s the problem that I have with the whole issue. A guy should be able to stand by his woman through ups, downs and different stages/changes in life and vice versa. If… Read more »
maxine
But upon meeting someone its perfectly acceptable to bow out at the beginning if that person has switched up their appearance and its not what attracts you anymore because the bonding is not established -you are still in the friendship stage it would be a waste of both your time,to pursue something where the attraction is not mutual,that is like me meeting a really fit slim guy,dating him and meeting a month later to find that he has put on a few stone and is now fat,wouldn’t pursue it if I’m not attracted to that build in a guy. However… Read more »
Jacky
Maxine and Cacey, great points! It IS important to find someone who’s attracted to you just the way you are. I was only annoyed because this preference is not how black women actually look naturally. They have to manipulate and change their hair to look that way. My mum would love to go natural but she can’t because my dad won’t approve of it. I thank God that I went natural while young( and plan to stay natural ) because it has helped me to learn how to care for my natural hair and style it properly. It also showed… Read more »
maxine

Typo correction :disapproving

maxine
Definitely. But I may be wrong but sometimes I think it depends on the type of natural hair you have,as known,black women come in all different types and I find that certain men can be more approving if the natural hair does not have that wave or slight sleek to it,they seem to be more accepting to those as opposed to my sisters with the more coarser hair type,saying that if a women looks good is well-groomed with natural short or long hair,there is no reason why a man shouldn’t be attracted to this type women. for the article I… Read more »
Prettydarkskinnedgirl
Prettydarkskinnedgirl

You raise a very interesting counterpoint. I don’t think he was dissing her hair per se but he’s got a “type” & before she cut her hair, she fit it & after she chopped, she didn’t. Since the relationship was so new, lack of physical attraction was enough to send him on his way. It seems shallow but he likes what he likes *shrug*.

BUtifullyHuman

Yes we ALL DO have a “type” Maxine. And in first meeting someone, all we have to go off of is the physical. (She DID say that they seem to have a lot in common and hit it off.) But a man (individual) that fails to see (or continue to see) the beauty/significance in a person because of a physical change is someone better off without. It WAS a diss IMO, and she definitely dodged a bullet.

maxine

Exactly,I don’t think it was her type of hair either,more the length and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as mankind existed,as far as the bible…long hair has always been set as the standard length for women
He probably preferred long hair on a women and many men do,however if you look at Halle berry men seem to change that preference very quickly lol

cinn

Interesting post. I had dreadlocks for 15 years and they were past my hips. Last March, I cut them off and had about 1/2 inch of hair on my head. With such a difference in appearance, I seem to attract very different people in some cases. I suppose it is to be expected as everyone has specifics on what they are attracted to.

Ubah Luar

Cinn, i so much do agree with you!
We all have prefrences wetther its physical or interlectual or so onn.
If this pwrson dont fitt the orher will.

cnj

I never had that experience but I can say I don’t give a crap what a man thinks of my hair. If a man told me he prefers silkier texture I would have told him he should get a relaxer or a silky weave if he likes it so much. I don’t mind someone’s opinion if I ask but if I didn’t, keep your opinion to yourself.

androu

That guy was a superficial jerk, who The Divine saved you from. I’ve never had anyone say mean things about my hair, but I do notice that when I do crochet–and achieve that big, full, curly, voluminous look using Marley hair…guys check on me a lot, LOT more than when I wear my own (shrunken) hair out :-/

Elle

The author was surprised by his reaction?
Their first encounter involved him salivating over her hair as if she were an endangered species.

No normal man meets a woman for the first time and gushes about how ‘long and pretty’ her hair is. IMO it’s the same objectification you get when you meet someone who can’t stop admiring how skinny or voluptuous or fair you are. These aren’t signs of a relationship between equals – they’re signs of trophyism, signs of a fan. Thankfully fans are fickle and she saw his true colors and moved on. Cute pinup style!

Victoria Owl

Well said!! I couldn’t agree more. Instant red flag the way he kept going on about her hair.

naijababe

I agree. The signs of his superficiality came during their first meeting when he fetishized her hair. When a guy is over the top in his praise of my natural hair or any other physical attribute of mine, I begin to question his value system. If a man is more enchanted with my hair (natural or straight) than me, he’s not the guy.

Rose

Nope my husband love the natural. As the matter of fact, he prefers it over weaves, wigs & crochet braids.

Oy
I would be leery of any man who complimented any physical features upon first meeting me. Some women may disagree and say it’s just par for the course but I think it is rude to mention physical parts of my body; it’s objectifying. Maybe I would let it slide if they complimented by outfit, MAYBE depending on if it looked like I actually put effort into it but seriously fellas just get to know me like any other person. Ask me about my interests. Lets talk about current events, movies we’ve seen, books we’ve read. I would even rather them… Read more »
Elle

2nd this!

waitwhat

interesting article

Diahann P.
I’ve heard a woman’s hair is the equivalent to a man’s penis. With this being said, how would you feel if someone you was interested in or dating, decided to chop his penis off? Is it too hard for us to understand that our hair could means just as much to people who don’t have to walk around with it on their head? If that’s too much, what if Mr.X got a ice cream cone tattooed on his face? It’s not fair to expect people to stay the same after making bold, liberating, and monuments changes to something as significant… Read more »
Patricia Kayden

You made me laugh out loud with that analogy. You can’t see a difference between hair (which can be manipulated, cut, dyed, permed, etc.) and genitalia? Really?!!

cnj

Like a penis?!?!! Dafuq! I’ve never heard that one. I can’t even begin to figure out what lead to that comparison. Having a preference is fine. I’m not saying he’s a jerk but it is superficial to base who you date solely on physical things no matter your gender.

Cupcake

Hair grows back. Tattoos are permanent and if a man chops off his penis…. How in the fluck is hair equivalent to a mans penis? A vagina I understand. But hair? Please tell me you’re joking.

AlllSmiless

Lol, WHAT!?

Aliyah

I’m glad I went natural young I didn’t start dating untill i big chopped and went natural . I’m 18 but I did know guys who were interested me when I had longer permed hair then when I cut it they lost interest . Some guys even said I looked better wit trait hair even my brothers hated my natural hair . I don’t care I love it .

Jacky
Hi Aliyah! I love the fact that you love your natural hair and don’t care about what others think about it. That’s an important factor in any natural hair journey: Not seeking validation from others. I’ve gotten a lot of negativity from black women in the past, concerning my natural hair. I didn’t care though because I knew that natural hair is the healthiest option. I started advising women( including those who mocked my hair ) on how to take care of their hair, both relaxed and natural, and also teaching them about the benefits of taking care of natural… Read more »
cepfeng

You dealt with that really well and maturely. And you’re right, if someone is with you because of a bunch of dangerous chemicals you’ve slatheredon your head they’re probably not worth being with at all.

bree
This can’t be a man with black sisters or who grew up with strong black pride. My brothers, nephews, uncles and cousins all know our hair can do anything. Who says natural hair can’t be straightened? It can be braided, twisted, and transformed time and time again. If anything they can always count on a fresh new look. He sounds like one of those standard men who IF they date a black woman she needs long relaxed hair but typically dates women of other races. He is free to do that. But Tori is free to do as she damn… Read more »
Deeds

This reminds me of that movie with Gabrielle Union, Morris Chestnut, and Jamie Foxx, lol

Dionne
Of course he should like you for being natural and embracing what God gave and of course you should be happy that you didn’t get with a guy who can not accept you as the person you want to be,but to be fair to him,he saw you with long hair and the compliments he gave you ensured that maybe one if the main features that attracted him to you,so if you then cut your hair and he didn’t like that look on you,I see nothing wrong with that I love the first look on you because you look so much… Read more »
Redseouls

His loss! You and your hair beautiful!!!

Redseouls

are

naturally Tee

Wow I hear a lot of black men say they don’t like weaves but yet they are always dating women with long straight unnatural looking weaves so I don’t get it. I think if women thought men didn’t like fake hair they would embrace their natural look more. My husband loves my natural hair and I am grateful I transitioned while we were engaged so Idk what I would have done if he told me he didn’t like it. I just did what I wanted to MY hair just like he does what he wants to his hair.

Carlee

Thanks for sharing your story! I definitely like this true life segment on BGLH. I have never had a guy say that he doesn’t like me because of my hair, but it’s probably because those guys would never approach me in the first place. I wear my hair in a fro almost daily. It’s impossible to hide, and it’s obvious if anyone has prejudice against me because of it.

Dee*

Yes, you dodged a bullet with Mr. X. On to the next one!!

“What are you going to do with it?”<—I hate that question! It's DONE, sucka!!

anastasia

“What are you going to do with it?”<—I hate that question! It's DONE, sucka!!"

Love it!! Thanks for the belly laugh!!

silkynaps
I’m not surprised that this attitude toward natural hair still exists among Black men. Recently, a guy a knew from the past told me point blank that he preferred my hair “the way it was”. When I wore my natural hair straightened, I would poll male friends to see how they felt about afro hair in it’s natural state. Most of them overwhelming abhorred the idea of “natural” hair…unless, of course, a woman had a certain type of hair. Even one of the most Afro-centric-Black-power type of brothers I knew told me that he preferred straight hair (record scratch). At… Read more »
The Truth

Silkynaps is an oxymoron. Are you silky or nappy!

Deb

your last paragraph is just…no…

Ash

If you met a guy, things are looking good, and then you do a complete change….you can’t expect him to love it too. He didn’t care about you as a person enough for you to take such drastic measures. Especially since he complimented you many times on your nice healthy hair.
If you started an initial to someone based on their personality that would be a lie. You started because he or she looked attractive. I think he was right. You switched it up too fast.

Scheera

And you are still beautiful regardless!

Marie

My white boyfriend had this weird reaction when i decided to say goodbye to extension and wear my natural hair big choped. I did not transitionned so he saw me from long to very short hair. I am lucky that he likes my personnality because almost a year later i don’t think he is still fond of my curly hair…
Who said that women were the most superficial ones?
Best from France,
Marie

carrie

everyone has their preferences. Same as you have yours. However you are better off finding someone who appreciates your own version of beauty as he should finds someone else that fits his preferences.

bee
First off… LMAO what the heck??? second off, good riddance!! the guy wouldve turned out being a plague anyway! i actually know guys who prefer their ladies to have “this length” or w/ “certain textures” and dont let me get started on that same said “silkier look” , nothing good could come from a r/ship like that except maybe constant salon criticism of “giiirrrl what did you do to your haiirrr *does finger snap* “. But in answering your question ah, at first, i did have guy friends who questioned my natural hair decision, but as it grew it became… Read more »
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