by Tori

Before I start­ed my hair jour­ney, my relaxed hair was about shoul­der length. After start­ing a healthy hair reg­i­men, my hair quick­ly respond­ed to the TLC and increased in length. Right before I decid­ed to big chop, my hair was healthy and at bra strap length. With that being said, let me tell you the sto­ry of Mr. X, the guy I met who liked me for my hair.

I met Mr. X at an event I attend­ed with fam­i­ly. We chat­ted for a while at the event and he asked me out on a date.  He seemed like a nice guy, so I fig­ured why not. Dur­ing our con­ver­sa­tion, he com­pli­ment­ed me on my hair sev­er­al times and expressed his admi­ra­tion for how long and beau­ti­ful it was. I was flat­tered since I wasn’t always used to get­ting com­pli­ments about my hair (par­tic­u­lar­ly about the length). I was still tran­si­tion­ing dur­ing this time, but because it was a spe­cial event, I had decid­ed to flat iron my hair. Mr. X and I seemed to have a lot in com­mon and the first date went well.

Bonafidestyle Flat Ironed Transitioning Natural HairFlat Ironed Tran­si­tion­ing Hair

Well, about two weeks after meet­ing Mr. X, I ran­dom­ly decid­ed to big chop. I was excit­ed about my new­ly nat­u­ral hair, although, I had to get used to see­ing myself with short nat­u­ral hair. The next time I saw Mr. X, he seemed shocked. Even though I told him over the phone that had I cut my hair, I guess the ‘look’ still came as a sur­prise. He want­ed to know what I was going to do with it and if I planned on relax­ing it again. I told him I had no inter­est in relax­ing again and I just want­ed to grow it out nat­u­ral­ly. He also told me that he nev­er dat­ed any­one with nat­u­ral hair and expressed that he pre­ferred a ‘silkier look’. The con­ver­sa­tion about my hair was sur­pris­ing. Did he real­ly just say he liked a ‘silkier look’? Wow. Well, after that inter­ac­tion, I heard from Mr. X less and less until even­tu­al­ly we no longer spoke.

Bonafidestyle Big Chop Natural Hair

Was I sur­prised that he lost ‘inter­est’ after I big chopped? A lit­tle. I have heard of guys who pre­ferred their ladies with relaxed hair/weaves, but some­how I didn’t think those types of men real­ly exist­ed. I guess I was a lit­tle naïve. Either way, I’m glad I dodged that bul­let called Mr. X. Any guy who is inter­est­ed in me only because of my phys­i­cal appear­ance (hair or oth­er­wise) isn’t the type of guy I want to be with any­way. This was cer­tain­ly an inter­est­ing expe­ri­ence.

 

Have you ever had a sim­i­lar expe­ri­ence? Any guy ever expressed their dis­like for your nat­u­ral hair?

 

About Tori: I’m Tori, a Jamaican-born nat­u­ral cur­rent­ly liv­ing in Tex­as. I was reunit­ed with my nat­u­ral tex­ture in Jan­u­ary 2012 when I big chopped, after tran­si­tion­ing for a year and a half. I am still learn­ing about my nat­u­ral hair, and hope to share the knowl­edge and expe­ri­ences I gain as I con­tin­ue on my nat­u­ral hair jour­ney. You can find me on Insta­gram @bonafidestyle.

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118 Comments on "True Life: He Only Dated Me for My Hair"

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Ubah Luar

Its a phys­i­cal thing, he real­ly liked yourhair. That was HIS first impres­dion of you.
Lat­er on he could get to know you bet­ter and see you for more than just long hair. Now cut­ting it has shocked him. From long to short is a huge dif­fe­tence.
Some men get over that fact some dont. He left…so he was not on that place in life to see the big­ger pic­ture (longer hair lat­er on in life) and moved on.
So that a bet­ter man will come your way.

Ps my eng­lish is hor­ri­ble so dont bash my com­ment.
Thank you:)

ShinyPinkNails
Every guy has pref­er­ences, when he asked you out you looked a cer­tain way then you made a dra­mat­ic change, cause going nat­u­ral will give you a dra­mat­ic change. Doesn’t mean he was a jerk and only looks at looks. You weren’t dat­ing for a long time, and you changed doesn’t mean he isn’t ready for a seri­ous rela­tion­ship, you just wasn’t he’s type and he hasn’t estab­lished any­thing with you yet to stay around. It’s just life, don’t think he’s a jerk. Just like if you went in a date with some­one and the next time they looks changed… Read more »
Lily

Yeah, I agree with this. I thought the arti­cle would be about you being in a long term rela­tion­ship with a guy. This is some­one you went out with one time. 

Not say­ing jerks don’t exist, but it’s foul to paint him with that brush because he didn’t like how you look with short hair.

Felicia
Thank you for shar­ing your expe­ri­ence! I have also encoun­tered this type of non­sen­si­cal reac­tion. The first time was about 18 years ago when I was in an a rela­tion­ship with a Cau­casian gen­tle­man that had been deeply in love with me, or so I thought who want­ed to mar­ry me and adopt my chil­dren, etc. Well, I broke things off, hadn’t seen him for a cou­ple of months, met him for lunch as friends with my hair braid­ed ver­sus my per­med, should8 length bob and I was greet­ed with shock and dis­d2 and a “wow, I’ve nev­er seen you… Read more »
Hmmm

That word “eth­nic”…

Janine

Yes that word.…have a friend whose daugh­ter runs track. she was hav­ing prob­lems with main­tain­ing her hair due to all the sweat­ing and what not .…I sug­gest­ed braids and she told that would be too “ethnic”…hmmmmm

Latoya

I hate when peo­ple use the word “eth­nic” to describe nat­u­ral African fea­tures!

nappy headed black girl

I’ve nev­er had a dude come straight out and say some­thing but when I first stopped relax­ing years ago one asked me if I was gonna keep my hair “like that” :-/

He was African and said wom­en in his coun­try only wear nat­u­ral hair if they are young and don’t have a “real job” yet, the assump­tion being that once you mature you get your hurr did lol

Even as a new­bie I wasn’t offend­ed in the least. That’s his real­i­ty. Didn’t sway me *shrug*

Jacky

I’m so sor­ry that he left because of your hair.

You’re right, any guy who dates a girl only because of her phys­i­cal appear­ance isn’t look­ing for a seri­ous rela­tion­ship. At most, he’s look­ing for a toy girl( female ver­sion of toy boy ), who he can show off to all his friends and lat­er dump like yesterday’s news.

I’m glad that you didn’t go fur­ther into the rela­tion­ship. There are bet­ter guys in the world… Guys that aren’t shal­low and con­ceit­ed.

maxine

I don’t think your com­ment is entire­ly accurate,your phys­i­cal attrib­ut­es is what peo­ple have to go by if they do not know you,so if a guy sees you and likes you he is going by what aes­thet­i­cal­ly pleas­es him.. fail­ing that it becomes your per­son­al­i­ty.
But you have to remem­ber wom­en do this too-me includ­ed,
I have to be phys­i­cal­ly attract­ed to a per­son first and most peo­ple are like this too.

cacey
good point. men are espe­cial­ly known for being lured by the phys­i­cal, and some­times for stick­ing around in bad rela­tion­ships because the girl is chick, and sole­ly for that rea­son. my hus­band said that what drew him to talk to me in the first place was my legs. :/ once we start­ed talk­in he appar­ent­ly was like “she’s a keep­er” but if i’d not had some atten­tion-grab­bing attrib­ute going for me there’s a good chance that 4 years in now we wouldn’t be mar­ried. but with that said, it seems the guy in this arti­cle was drawn to a par­tic­u­lar… Read more »
maxine
HAHA You said it ‚can’t tell you the amount of times I have seen guys get crapped on but still excuse the girl if good-look­ing To me in soci­ety ie.media, staight/flowy/long hair has always been denot­ed as sexy while afro/curly/short hair has always been frowned upon and seen as old-fash­ioned, mas­cu­line-in the sense that black men who have natural,short hair it is accept­able but when a black wom­en has this type hair,shes described as boy­ish or too eth­nic. Your hus­band sounds like a great man with a bal­anced mind­set but most of the black men I know seem to like… Read more »
cacey

i meant, the girl is “cute” instead of chick. darn typo!

Jacky
You made a valid point. I under­stand that he left her because she didn’t fit his “type” any­more. But I still think that there’s some­thing wrong in the mix. What if she had decid­ed to tran­si­tion to nat­u­ral hair lat­er on in the rela­tion­ship? He sounds like the kind of guy who would’ve replied with a solid “NO” or left her for some­one else who fits his type. That’s the prob­lem that I have with the whole issue. A guy should be able to stand by his wom­an through ups, downs and dif­fer­ent stages/changes in life and vice ver­sa. If a guy… Read more »
maxine
But upon meet­ing some­one its per­fect­ly accept­able to bow out at the begin­ning if that per­son has switched up their appear­ance and its not what attracts you any­more because the bond­ing is not estab­lished -you are still in the friend­ship stage it would be a waste of both your time,to pur­sue some­thing where the attrac­tion is not mutual,that is like me meet­ing a real­ly fit slim guy,dating him and meet­ing a mon­th lat­er to find that he has put on a few stone and is now fat,wouldn’t pur­sue it if I’m not attract­ed to that build in a guy. How­ev­er if you… Read more »
Jacky
Max­ine and Cacey, great points! It IS impor­tant to find some­one who’s attract­ed to you just the way you are. I was only annoyed because this pref­er­ence is not how black wom­en actu­al­ly look nat­u­ral­ly. They have to manip­u­late and change their hair to look that way. My mum would love to go nat­u­ral but she can’t because my dad won’t approve of it. I thank God that I went nat­u­ral while young( and plan to stay nat­u­ral ) because it has helped me to learn how to care for my nat­u­ral hair and style it prop­er­ly. It also showed me that there… Read more »
maxine

Typo cor­rec­tion :dis­ap­prov­ing

maxine
Def­i­nite­ly. But I may be wrong but some­times I think it depends on the type of nat­u­ral hair you have,as known,black wom­en come in all dif­fer­ent types and I find that cer­tain men can be more approv­ing if the nat­u­ral hair does not have that wave or slight sleek to it,they seem to be more accept­ing to those as opposed to my sis­ters with the more coarser hair type,saying that if a wom­en looks good is well-groomed with nat­u­ral short or long hair,there is no rea­son why a man shouldn’t be attract­ed to this type wom­en. for the arti­cle I… Read more »
Prettydarkskinnedgirl
Prettydarkskinnedgirl

You raise a very inter­est­ing coun­ter­point. I don’t think he was diss­ing her hair per se but he’s got a “type” & before she cut her hair, she fit it & after she chopped, she didn’t. Since the rela­tion­ship was so new, lack of phys­i­cal attrac­tion was enough to send him on his way. It seems shal­low but he likes what he likes *shrug*.

BUtifullyHuman

Yes we ALL DO have a “type” Max­ine. And in first meet­ing some­one, all we have to go off of is the phys­i­cal. (She DID say that they seem to have a lot in com­mon and hit it off.) But a man (indi­vid­u­al) that fails to see (or con­tin­ue to see) the beauty/significance in a per­son because of a phys­i­cal change is some­one bet­ter off with­out. It WAS a diss IMO, and she def­i­nite­ly dodged a bul­let.

maxine

Exactly,I don’t think it was her type of hair either,more the length and there’s noth­ing wrong with that as long as mankind existed,as far as the bible…long hair has always been set as the stan­dard length for wom­en
He prob­a­bly pre­ferred long hair on a wom­en and many men do,however if you look at Halle berry men seem to change that pref­er­ence very quick­ly lol

cinn

Inter­est­ing post. I had dread­locks for 15 years and they were past my hips. Last March, I cut them off and had about 1/2 inch of hair on my head. With such a dif­fer­ence in appear­ance, I seem to attract very dif­fer­ent peo­ple in some cas­es. I sup­pose it is to be expect­ed as every­one has specifics on what they are attract­ed to.

Ubah Luar

Cinn, i so much do agree with you!
We all have pre­frences wet­ther its phys­i­cal or inter­lec­tu­al or so onn.
If this pwr­son dont fitt the orher will.

cnj

I nev­er had that expe­ri­ence but I can say I don’t give a crap what a man thinks of my hair. If a man told me he prefers silkier tex­ture I would have told him he should get a relax­er or a silky weave if he likes it so much. I don’t mind someone’s opin­ion if I ask but if I didn’t, keep your opin­ion to your­self.

androu

That guy was a super­fi­cial jerk, who The Divine saved you from. I’ve nev­er had any­one say mean things about my hair, but I do notice that when I do crochet–and achieve that big, full, curly, volu­mi­nous look using Mar­ley hair…guys check on me a lot, LOT more than when I wear my own (shrunk­en) hair out :-/

Elle

The author was sur­prised by his reac­tion?
Their first encoun­ter involved him sali­vat­ing over her hair as if she were an endan­gered species. 

No nor­mal man meets a wom­an for the first time and gush­es about how ‘long and pret­ty’ her hair is. IMO it’s the same objec­ti­fi­ca­tion you get when you meet some­one who can’t stop admir­ing how skin­ny or volup­tuous or fair you are. The­se aren’t signs of a rela­tion­ship between equals — they’re signs of tro­phy­ism, signs of a fan. Thank­ful­ly fans are fick­le and she saw his true col­ors and moved on. Cute pin­up style!

Victoria Owl

Well said!! I couldn’t agree more. Instant red flag the way he kept going on about her hair.

naijababe

I agree. The signs of his super­fi­cial­i­ty came dur­ing their first meet­ing when he fetishized her hair. When a guy is over the top in his praise of my nat­u­ral hair or any oth­er phys­i­cal attrib­ute of mine, I begin to ques­tion his val­ue sys­tem. If a man is more enchant­ed with my hair (nat­u­ral or straight) than me, he’s not the guy.

Rose

Nope my hus­band love the nat­u­ral. As the mat­ter of fact, he prefers it over weaves, wigs & cro­chet braids.

Oy
I would be leery of any man who com­pli­ment­ed any phys­i­cal fea­tures upon first meet­ing me. Some wom­en may dis­agree and say it’s just par for the course but I think it is rude to men­tion phys­i­cal parts of my body; it’s objec­ti­fy­ing. May­be I would let it slide if they com­pli­ment­ed by out­fit, MAYBE depend­ing on if it looked like I actu­al­ly put effort into it but seri­ous­ly fel­las just get to know me like any oth­er per­son. Ask me about my inter­ests. Lets talk about cur­rent events, movies we’ve seen, books we’ve read. I would even rather them… Read more »
Elle

2nd this!

waitwhat

inter­est­ing arti­cle

Diahann P.
I’ve heard a woman’s hair is the equiv­a­lent to a man’s penis. With this being said, how would you feel if some­one you was inter­est­ed in or dat­ing, decid­ed to chop his penis off? Is it too hard for us to under­stand that our hair could means just as much to peo­ple who don’t have to walk around with it on their head? If that’s too much, what if Mr.X got a ice cream cone tat­tooed on his face? It’s not fair to expect peo­ple to stay the same after mak­ing bold, lib­er­at­ing, and mon­u­ments changes to some­thing as sig­nif­i­cant as… Read more »
Patricia Kayden

You made me laugh out loud with that anal­o­gy. You can’t see a dif­fer­ence between hair (which can be manip­u­lat­ed, cut, dyed, per­med, etc.) and gen­i­tal­ia? Real­ly?!!

cnj

Like a penis?!?!! Dafuq! I’ve nev­er heard that one. I can’t even begin to fig­ure out what lead to that com­par­ison. Hav­ing a pref­er­ence is fine. I’m not say­ing he’s a jerk but it is super­fi­cial to base who you date sole­ly on phys­i­cal things no mat­ter your gen­der.

Cupcake

Hair grows back. Tat­toos are per­ma­nent and if a man chops off his penis.… How in the fluck is hair equiv­a­lent to a mans penis? A vagi­na I under­stand. But hair? Please tell me you’re jok­ing.

AlllSmiless

Lol, WHAT!?

Aliyah

I’m glad I went nat­u­ral young I didn’t start dat­ing untill i big chopped and went nat­u­ral . I’m 18 but I did know guys who were inter­est­ed me when I had longer per­med hair then when I cut it they lost inter­est . Some guys even said I looked bet­ter wit trait hair even my broth­ers hat­ed my nat­u­ral hair . I don’t care I love it .

Jacky
Hi Aliyah! I love the fact that you love your nat­u­ral hair and don’t care about what oth­ers think about it. That’s an impor­tant fac­tor in any nat­u­ral hair jour­ney: Not seek­ing val­i­da­tion from oth­ers. I’ve got­ten a lot of neg­a­tiv­i­ty from black wom­en in the past, con­cern­ing my nat­u­ral hair. I didn’t care though because I knew that nat­u­ral hair is the health­i­est option. I start­ed advis­ing wom­en( includ­ing those who mocked my hair ) on how to take care of their hair, both relaxed and nat­u­ral, and also teach­ing them about the ben­e­fits of tak­ing care of nat­u­ral hair.… Read more »
cepfeng

You dealt with that real­ly well and mature­ly. And you’re right, if some­one is with you because of a bunch of dan­ger­ous chem­i­cals you’ve slathere­don your head they’re prob­a­bly not worth being with at all.

bree
This can’t be a man with black sis­ters or who grew up with strong black pride. My broth­ers, nephews, uncles and cousins all know our hair can do any­thing. Who says nat­u­ral hair can’t be straight­ened? It can be braid­ed, twist­ed, and trans­formed time and time again. If any­thing they can always count on a fresh new look. He sounds like one of those stan­dard men who IF they date a black wom­an she needs long relaxed hair but typ­i­cal­ly dates wom­en of oth­er races. He is free to do that. But Tori is free to do as she damn… Read more »
Deeds

This reminds me of that movie with Gabrielle Union, Mor­ris Chest­nut, and Jamie Foxx, lol

Dionne
Of course he should like you for being nat­u­ral and embrac­ing what God gave and of course you should be hap­py that you didn’t get with a guy who can not accept you as the per­son you want to be,but to be fair to him,he saw you with long hair and the com­pli­ments he gave you ensured that may­be one if the main fea­tures that attract­ed him to you,so if you then cut your hair and he didn’t like that look on you,I see noth­ing wrong with that I love the first look on you because you look so much younger… Read more »
Redseouls

His loss! You and your hair beau­ti­ful!!!

Redseouls

are

naturally Tee

Wow I hear a lot of black men say they don’t like weaves but yet they are always dat­ing wom­en with long straight unnat­u­ral look­ing weaves so I don’t get it. I think if wom­en thought men didn’t like fake hair they would embrace their nat­u­ral look more. My hus­band loves my nat­u­ral hair and I am grate­ful I tran­si­tioned while we were engaged so Idk what I would have done if he told me he didn’t like it. I just did what I want­ed to MY hair just like he does what he wants to his hair.

Carlee

Thanks for shar­ing your sto­ry! I def­i­nite­ly like this true life seg­ment on BGLH. I have nev­er had a guy say that he doesn’t like me because of my hair, but it’s prob­a­bly because those guys would nev­er approach me in the first place. I wear my hair in a fro almost dai­ly. It’s impos­si­ble to hide, and it’s obvi­ous if any­one has prej­u­dice again­st me because of it.

Dee*

Yes, you dodged a bul­let with Mr. X. On to the next one!!

“What are you going to do with it?”<—I hate that ques­tion! It’s DONE, sucka!!

anastasia

“What are you going to do with it?”<—I hate that ques­tion! It’s DONE, sucka!!” 

Love it!! Thanks for the bel­ly laugh!!

silkynaps
I’m not sur­prised that this atti­tude toward nat­u­ral hair still exists among Black men. Recent­ly, a guy a knew from the past told me point blank that he pre­ferred my hair “the way it was”. When I wore my nat­u­ral hair straight­ened, I would poll male friends to see how they felt about afro hair in it’s nat­u­ral state. Most of them over­whelm­ing abhorred the idea of “nat­u­ral” hair…unless, of course, a wom­an had a cer­tain type of hair. Even one of the most Afro-cen­tric-Black-pow­er type of broth­ers I knew told me that he pre­ferred straight hair (record scratch). At the… Read more »
The Truth

Silky­naps is an oxy­moron. Are you silky or nap­py!

Deb

your last para­graph is just…no…

Ash

If you met a guy, things are look­ing good, and then you do a com­plete change.…you can’t expect him to love it too. He didn’t care about you as a per­son enough for you to take such dras­tic mea­sures. Espe­cial­ly since he com­pli­ment­ed you many times on your nice healthy hair.
If you start­ed an ini­tial to some­one based on their per­son­al­i­ty that would be a lie. You start­ed because he or she looked attrac­tive. I think he was right. You switched it up too fast.

Scheera

And you are still beau­ti­ful regard­less!

Marie

My white boyfriend had this weird reac­tion when i decid­ed to say good­bye to exten­sion and wear my nat­u­ral hair big choped. I did not tran­si­tionned so he saw me from long to very short hair. I am lucky that he likes my per­son­nal­i­ty because almost a year lat­er i don’t think he is still fond of my curly hair…
Who said that wom­en were the most super­fi­cial ones?
Best from France,
Marie

carrie

every­one has their pref­er­ences. Same as you have yours. How­ev­er you are bet­ter off find­ing some­one who appre­ci­ates your own ver­sion of beau­ty as he should finds some­one else that fits his pref­er­ences.

bee
First off… LMAO what the heck??? sec­ond off, good rid­dance!! the guy would­ve turned out being a plague any­way! i actu­al­ly know guys who prefer their ladies to have “this length” or w/ “cer­tain tex­tures” and dont let me get start­ed on that same said “silkier look” , noth­ing good could come from a r/ship like that except may­be con­stant salon crit­i­cism of “gii­ir­rrl what did you do to your hai­ir­rr *does fin­ger snap* “. But in answer­ing your ques­tion ah, at first, i did have guy friends who ques­tioned my nat­u­ral hair deci­sion, but as it grew it became… Read more »
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